Straight from Showtime: Raw Deal

Moving to my new digs, I had the option of adding digital cable and the Showtime package to my cable offering for the same amount I paid at my prior stead. What a deal. For six months, I would have – for free – all the movie and television offerings that the Showtime family of channels had to offer. After that period, I had to pay five bucks of month.

To say these movie channels stink is an understatement. They smell like a Kos kid after Lollapalooza. The movies are terrible, mostly direct to video junk that fills rack after rack at Blockbuster. What does come from the theater is generally underachieving pop garbage like Jessica Simpson’s “Employee of the Month.” There is a reason why this network airs “Casino Royale” on two channels at a time on a 24- hour loop – the pickins be slim.

So far, since having this package, I’ve watched Inside the NFL, a few episodes of Penn and Teller’s terrific “Bullshit” series, Zodiac and “World’s Fastest Indian.” The later having a soft spot in my heart, being from the world of grease monkeys, mechanics and gear heads – my true world, not the one of office chairs, inch counts and deadlines.

But that wasn’t enough to keep me from canceling Showtime, even before the free period ran out. Showtime can spell redemption in two words – Raw Deal.

During the past two months, Showtime has aired Raw Deal almost nonstop. It’s a prolonged Hanukkah. “Lets see, what’s on today? Click, click, click, oh my, it’s Raw Deal!” as the feeling of joy overcomes my senses. I now know what it’s like to be Hugh Hefner waking in the morning to discover he still lives in the mansion, or the one Joe Biden must have when he manages to put his shoes on the right feet.

In the Schwarzenegger canon, Raw Deal is my favorite. This post-Conan Arnold and pre-Total Recall Arnold. He’s a solid action draw, but not the No. 1 box office phenom in the world – yet.

I watch Raw Deal Arnold and I can’t help but think he would shoot Governor Arnold right in the ass. I mean seriously, global warming? Gay Marriage? Open borders? Enviro-wackiness? Tax increases? Raw Deal Arnold wouldn’t have time for that shit. Raw Deal Arnold would have driven a dump truck through the state assembly, cracked off some terrible pun about voting present, and dragged the entire Democrat majority to a vote using a team of horses and a bull whip. And we would have liked it.

Raw Deal, released in 1986 – in the middle of the Reagan revolution – is typical 80s action fare. Lots of explosions and no worry with shades of gray – you know who the good and bad guys are. It’s pre-Die Hard, so action movies hadn’t become solely the children of gigantic budgets. In the 80s there were hundreds of movies like these and they made money – something most Hollywood garbage fails to do anymore.

The cast is solid. Darrin McGavin, a couple years removed from being Ralphie’s dad, works for the FBI when his son, also an agent, is killed guarding a mob witness. McGavin wants revenge, so he digs up Arnold, who is working as a small town sheriff in the sticks. McGavin promises redemption for Arnold, who was booted from the FBI for working over a child molester. You see, in the 80s, child molesting didn’t get you a standing ovation at the Oscars, guys like Arnold would just kick your ass.

The excellent Robert Davi stars as a mob enforcer and is Arnold’s main nemesis. The epitome of cool, Davi doesn’t take shit from Arnold. Arnold doesn’t take shit from Davi. It’s a beautiful relationship and much more ingratiating than anything in “Atonement.”

Joe Regalbuto, in between working “Street Hawk” and “Murphy Brown,” is the weasely prosecutor. The excellent Ed Latuer is the street-wise cop, who knows something is up with this “Joseph Brenner” character that is tearing up Chicago.

The movie continues the Arnold template from Commando. 1.) Arnold breaks shit. 2.) Arnold uses dry humor. 3.) Arnold has a cool montage where he gets all his weapons ready while backing theme of heavy 80s guitar music blares 4.) Bad guy dies in mass of gunfire.

Having watched Commando 50 times, Arnold’s growth between that role and Raw Deal is quite evident. The humor isn’t quite as forced and he’s much more natural on camera. As much as people make fun of Arnold’s acting ability, he shows real growth here from his previous roles. His on-screen charisma is unquestionable, along with his physical appearance. It’s easy to imagine Arnold walking into a back-room bookie and trashing the place without wrinkling a sleeve on his suit.

The movie does have its faults (I say that as un-ironically as possible). What is solid action throughout gets disrupted with one of the worst shootouts in the history of movies, as Arnold (with “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones blasting, I wonder if Mick knew about this?) drives around a gravel pit in a convertible Dodge and manages to snipe gunmen perched on cranes with one hand while driving and keeping his eyeballs to the road. I don’t know whether to shake my head in disbelief or at the utter awesomeness of it all. I should also shake my head at the thought of questioning disbelief in an Arnold movie.

The movie climaxes with a brutal shootout, Arnold mowing down gangster after gangster, including Sven-Ole Thorsen, the greatest random guy in the history of cinema. Today, the shootout alone would have earned Raw Deal an R rating, but this is 1986 and the emasculation of the American male was still 10 years away before it was in full effect.

Overall, Raw Deal is giant step back in time. When we knew whom the bad guys were and we weren’t afraid to shoot first and meet with them at the negotiating table later. A simpler time and a time I’m afraid I’ll miss dearly the next four years.

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