PRESS RELEASE – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – SEPTEMBER 25, 2009
THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT
MOHAMOD AMAJEDINJ…
MUHAMMED AJEJEAMIN…
MOHAMMOD AMJEJEJEIMA…
THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT
TEHRAN, IRAN – On behalf of the sovereign and free* people of the Islamic Republic of Iran, the President has issued the following statement, clarifying his remarks before the United Nations:
“Praise be to God, and to His prophet – blah, blah, blah.
“The western so-called democracies did not want to hear the truth about the Zionist oppressors and their lies, but – with the help of God – the rest of the world has heard me. And now, I will tell the people of the world more truths, truths that can not be denied!
“Not only did the so-called Holocaust not happen, the so-called defeat of the armies of Islam by the so-called Charles Martel at the so-called Battle of Tours in the so-called year 732 never happened either. The armies of Islam smashed Charles Martel, but decided that the weather in France was not appealing, and the country was full of Frenchmen besides, so they left, after doing some fishing and visiting their aunt Bertha, who had moved the previous year.
“The following things also did not happen:
- The Reconquista of Spain
- Innocent people dying in suicide bombings
- The breakup of the Beatles
- The cancellation of Malcom in the Middle
- Joan Rivers having plastic surgery
- Scott Norwood missing a field goal at the end of Super Bowl XXV
- My mother finding copies of “Extra-Perky Boobage Review” in between my mattress and box spring when I was 16 years old
- Also, if she did find them, the pages were not stuck together
“We will be issuing additional lists of things that never happened, as our Islamic scholars continue their research.
“Death to America!”
# # #
(*Exclusions apply: jews-infidels-women-jews-homos-atheists-agnostics-people with western ideals-jews-non clerics-and-jews not eligible for freedom. Also: no jews.)
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That is one ugly SOB
Your opening made me think of vegiveetavitamin (I Love Lucy)
It’s only a short amount of time till 9-11 didn’t happen.
I have e friend lives in Tehran named Parva…she always calls him “that dirty little man”.
On the sidebar we have a Google Ad attack: International Muslim Matrimonials.
“The following things also did not happen:
The Reconquista of Spain
Innocent people dying in suicide bombings
The breakup of the Beatles
The cancellation of Malcom in the Middle
Joan Rivers having plastic surgery
Scott Norwood missing a field goal at the end of Super Bowl XXV
My mother finding copies of “Extra-Perky Boobage Review” in between my mattress and box spring when I was 16 years old
Also, if she did find them, the pages were not stuck together”
I am amazed to learn that these things did not happen!
What else did not happen?
I don’t believe that Peggy Lesneczski shot me down when I asked her out senior year. Pretty sure that didn’t happen.
THE Peggy Lesneczski?!
Rosemary Clooney is not a denture wearer.
Rocky did not defeat Clubber Lang.
Milli Vanilli did not lipsync
God didn’t make little green apples.
It don’t rain in Indianapolis in the summertime.
I did not just tell my son for the 5th time today to get his feet off his brother’s head.
I have been on a date with a Real girl.
REALLY!
I have!
Been on one.
Maybe even two.
Or two thousand!!!
Kit, you’re killin’ me, my man! Get out there and make something happen. I can’t stand to see young men waste their young men years, especially over something stupid like shyness or insecurity. And that goes for slightly not so young men, like you, Lars! It pains me to see you guys alone. Get out there and ask! The worse thing that can happen is a gal says, “no.” If that happens you’re no worse off than you are now. But if it doesn’t…
“The worse thing that can happen is a gal says, ‘no.’ If that happens you’re no worse off than you are now. But if it doesn’t…”
Unfortunately, Rufus, that’s not quite true. The worst thing that can happen is that she will not only reject me but laugh at me, and I will wander off in despair to a lonely place and there end my miserable life.
In fact, that might happen even if she doesn’t laugh.
It ain’t pretty being me.
YOU ARE RIGHT RUFUS!!!
I will do it!
Tomorrow! Or Sunday! Or perhaps Monday. I wonder if Tuesday is a good day to ask, or Wednesday . . .
I also have a girlfriend.
I know this is a legitimate press release, because if Rich had written it himself, he wouldn’t have left out the valiant Poles defeating the Muslim hordes before the Gates of Vienna.
Also, the President of Iran looks like he was created by Jim Henson.
I was particularly proud of adding the bow tie. Thought about putting on the clown nose as well – but that probably would have been too much.
Thank you for mentioning the valiant Poles Mike. (Is there any other kind?) Also on our honor role: Defeating the Soviet Army (1921) and defeating the Teutonic Knights in the First Battle of Tannenburg (1410). According to legend, the Grand Master of the Teutonic Knights, tired of waiting for the Polish-Lithuanian Army to come to battle at Tannenburg, sent an emissary across the field with a sword. The emissary told the Polish King that the Grand Master offered the present of the sword, if the King needed one to fight with. The King declined the offer, sending the emissary back with the message: “thank you for the offer, but I’ll be there to take yours soon enough.” Which he did.
The Bow Tie rulz. Its understated and goes well with his Members Only Jacket Collection. Hasn’t he been the one on Ebay buying all of them?
I had thought Ahmadinajad as the Joker but then that’d be overkill. Or brownshirted thug but thats merely to be expected.
Somebody call Andy Samburg and let him know that his Middle Eastern lover is back in town.
BREAKING NEWS
AHMEDINAJAWABAD-WHATEVER ANNOUNCES THAT THE IRANIAN CLERICS HAVE ISSUED A FATWA AGAINST “THAT DAMN RICH TZRUPEK!” STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS . . .
Time to fill the moat around Castle Trzupr with bacon.
Why baco- Oh, yeah.
In honor of the Poles’ achievements and the Great Pole Tzrupek, I shall play as Poland on Medieval 2: Total War.
Somethings don’t need comments. They just need creative placement.
Ouch! That’s gon’na leave a mark, Tracy!
Too mean?
Zoon never had a date until like 20 or so and then only a couple until ME!!
Then there is hope!
Somethings need an editor. Some things really do.
Good call,Rich,about 1921…”The Miracle on the Vistula”.Arguably Marshal Pilsudsky and his Poles saved Germany and much of Western Europe from the hell of Bolshevism,and they have never gotten the credit that they deserve.