Long story short: the a-hole’s at Al Qaeda are now using their a-holes for something other than storing the small amount of gray matter that Allah allocated to them. Specifically, at least one of them has used his colon as a shell casing, packing it full of explosives and then detonating himself in an attempt to kill the head of Saudi Arabia’s counter terrorist bureau. He failed, in what may be the worst gas attack since World War I, but his target was injured.
According to CBS, there is no way to detect this particular method of IED concealment outside of physical inspection, a prospect which would likely make future trips through airport security a bit more interesting. I’m not sure that CBS is the most reliable source on state-of-the-art bomb detection, but if they are right, I guess I will have to consider my 50 year old check-up practice for future air travel.
The full story is here, in case you think I’m making this up. (Wish I were).
Now, over a year ago, a buddy of mine wrote a sarcastic piece regarding Al Qaeda weapons research that dealt with this very topic. It’s reprinted below – further proof that, despite John FN’s claims, irony is not dead. On life support, but not dead yet.
Arab Nations Announce Major Advances in Development of Human OrdnanceRiyadh, Saudi Arabia
By Vic Williams
Rahim Il-Sacharah, head of research at the Crown Prince Zaoul Institute for Ordnance Development, revealed today his laboratory’s latest advances in the field of human weaponry.
“With this breakthrough, the Arab countries solidify their position as the world leaders in the field of human explosive devices,” said Dr. Il-Sacharah. “The United States may set the pace in nuclear weaponry, and the Russians may lead the pack in particle-beam devices, but in the burgeoning field of exploding humans, no one is even close to us.”
The immediate impetus for the Institute’s press conference was a much-anticipated announcement heralding the development of the Mark III “Glory of Islam” smart bomb.
Pressed on the subject, Dr. I-S explained: “The Consummate Evil-Doer, the United States of America, has in its unquenchable vanity trumpeted the virtues of its supposedly precision guided munitions. Today, we announce the introduction of a truly precise weapon, guided by the infallible words to the Holy Book Itself. With this weapon, we can unerringly destroy any target anywhere in the world at any time.”
Asked to comment on the challenges faced in developing such a powerful tool of destruction, Dr. I.-S. introduced his latest test model. “Take Ahmed here”.
“The most difficult task in putting together a weapon of this caliber involved programming him to the exact level of mental sophistication needed. That required finding an individual ignorant enough to believe an omnipotent Supreme Being would actually desire a follower to destroy himself along with hundreds of innocent women and children, just to make some ideological point. Yet that person had to be intelligent enough to avoid error sequences commonly found in earlier versions of our human munitions.
“For example, it took months of dedicated training to break Ahmed of the tendency to purchase a one-way airline ticket as part of his weapons-delivery package.
“ But is it not likely that I will find myself unable to make the return trip?’, he would repeatedly protest.
“Happily, with great patience the mission programming specialists were able to convince Ahmed of the devious ways of the infidel dogs, who might in his behavior find a means of defense.”
In the wake of the disastrous failure of the earlier shoe-bomb weapons system, Dr. I.-S. was asked if he thought the Arabs would be capable of maintaining their lofty position at the forefront of human weaponry. In reply, Dr. I.-S. brushed off as insignificant the earlier incident, and exuding supreme confidence, delivered his answer.
“For a while, we feared a resurgence of activity by the pioneers in the field, the Japanese. But although they have a proud legacy of ruthless brutality to draw upon, that race of cur unbelievers has degenerated to a herd of fat lackeys dedicated to serving the decadent appetites of the West.
“We can assert today, without even the slightest shred of a doubt, when it comes to blowing themselves to kingdom come over some pointless cause, our people are without peer.”
Finally, questioned about future developments, Dr. I.-S. proudly revealed details of the newly-completed Mark V “Scourge of the Infidel” Exploding Asshole.
“Each comes packed up the rectum with a full 12 pounds of highly-explosive CX,” beamed Dr. I.-S. “Once we were able to train our prototypes to walk with something resembling a normal gait, we knew we had a weapon capable of defeating even the rigorous airport screening procedures of the Little Satan. Their bomb-sniffing dogs will surely be unable to overcome the powerful masking effect of that delivery system. Stealth weapons indeed!”
Despite an ill-fated test run failure, poorly planned by targeting a flight out of San Francisco’s international airport, Dr. I.-S. maintained high hopes for the Mark V.
“You must realize – every adult male in the Arab world is potentially another Exploding Asshole. If we all unite behind this project, and all contribute to the Mark V program, we cannot help but be triumphant over any adversary.
“Truly our technical advancement exceeds that of the dogs in the West! Truly they are powerless in the face of such a prodigious collection of Assholes!”