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Exploding Bowels For Allah

Fart Light

Long story short: the a-hole’s at Al Qaeda are now using their a-holes for something other than storing the small amount of gray matter that Allah allocated to them. Specifically, at least one of them has used his colon as a shell casing, packing it full of explosives and then detonating himself in an attempt to kill the head of Saudi Arabia’s counter terrorist bureau. He failed, in what may be the worst gas attack since World War I, but his target was injured.

According to CBS, there is no way to detect this particular method of IED concealment outside of physical inspection, a prospect which would likely make future trips through airport security a bit more interesting. I’m not sure that CBS is the most reliable source on state-of-the-art bomb detection, but if they are right, I guess I will have to consider my 50 year old check-up practice for future air travel.

The full story is here, in case you think I’m making this up. (Wish I were).

Now, over a year ago, a buddy of mine wrote a sarcastic piece regarding Al Qaeda weapons research that dealt with this very topic. It’s reprinted below – further proof that, despite John FN’s claims, irony is not dead. On life support, but not dead yet.

Arab Nations Announce Major Advances in Development of Human Ordnance

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

By Vic Williams

Rahim Il-Sacharah, head of research at the Crown Prince Zaoul Institute for Ordnance Development, revealed today his laboratory’s latest advances in the field of human weaponry.

“With this breakthrough, the Arab countries solidify their position as the world leaders in the field of human explosive devices,” said Dr. Il-Sacharah.  “The United States may set the pace in nuclear weaponry, and the Russians may lead the pack in particle-beam devices, but in the burgeoning field of exploding humans, no one is even close to us.”

The immediate impetus for the Institute’s press conference was a much-anticipated announcement heralding the development of the Mark III “Glory of Islam” smart bomb.

Pressed on the subject, Dr. I-S  explained:  “The Consummate Evil-Doer, the United States of America, has in its unquenchable vanity trumpeted the virtues of its supposedly precision guided munitions.  Today, we announce the introduction of a truly precise weapon, guided by the infallible words to the Holy Book Itself.  With this weapon, we can unerringly destroy any target anywhere in the world at any time.”

Asked to comment on the challenges faced in developing such a powerful tool of destruction, Dr. I.-S. introduced his latest test model.  “Take Ahmed here”.

“The most difficult task in putting together a weapon of this caliber involved programming him to the exact level of mental sophistication needed.  That required finding an individual ignorant enough to believe an omnipotent Supreme Being would actually desire a follower to destroy himself along with hundreds of innocent women and children, just to make some ideological point.  Yet that person had to be intelligent enough to avoid error sequences commonly found in earlier versions of our human munitions.

“For example, it took months of dedicated training to break Ahmed of the tendency to purchase a one-way airline ticket as part of his weapons-delivery package.

“ But is it not likely that I will find myself unable to make the return trip?’, he would repeatedly protest.

“Happily, with great patience the mission programming specialists were able to convince Ahmed of the devious ways of the infidel dogs, who might in his behavior find a means of defense.”

In the wake of the disastrous failure of the earlier shoe-bomb weapons system, Dr. I.-S. was asked if he thought the Arabs would be capable of maintaining their lofty position at the forefront of human weaponry.  In reply, Dr. I.-S. brushed off as insignificant the earlier incident, and exuding supreme confidence, delivered his answer.

“For a while, we feared a resurgence of activity by the pioneers in the field, the Japanese.  But although they have a proud legacy of ruthless brutality to draw upon, that race of cur unbelievers has degenerated to a herd of fat lackeys dedicated to serving the decadent appetites of the West.

“We can assert today, without even the slightest shred of a doubt, when it comes to blowing themselves to kingdom come over some pointless cause, our people are without peer.”

Finally, questioned about future developments, Dr. I.-S. proudly revealed details of the newly-completed Mark V “Scourge of the Infidel” Exploding Asshole.

“Each comes packed up the rectum with a full 12 pounds of highly-explosive CX,” beamed Dr. I.-S.  “Once we were able to train our prototypes to walk with something resembling a normal gait, we knew we had a weapon capable of defeating even the rigorous airport screening procedures of the Little Satan.  Their bomb-sniffing dogs will surely be unable to overcome the powerful masking effect of that delivery system.  Stealth weapons indeed!”

Despite an ill-fated test run failure, poorly planned by targeting a flight out of San Francisco’s international airport, Dr. I.-S. maintained high hopes for the Mark V.

“You must realize – every adult male in the Arab world is potentially another Exploding Asshole.  If we all unite behind this project, and all contribute to the Mark V program, we cannot help but be triumphant over any adversary.

“Truly our technical advancement exceeds that of the dogs in the West!  Truly they are powerless in the face of such a prodigious collection of Assholes!”

22 comments to Exploding Bowels For Allah

  • Veruckt

    That’s even worse than Olestra causing anal leakage. I just hope some network refers to this as an “ass-splosion”.

  • Rufus

    Couldn’t we train gerbils to do this, similar to what we do with bomb detection dogs?

  • Rufus

    This is the exact type of cracker jack reporting this site was missing during your hiatus, Rich.

  • Floyd

    And given the sodomite proclivities of some of these jihadists they might be able to pack a lot more up there than the average “intact” terrorist.

  • True story:

    During one of my trips to Saudi in the late 90’s, the bellboy/room cleaner (a Pakistani, probably in his teens) brings my bags into my room, opens the drapes, points out the location of the mini-bar (I wish) and then, for whatever reason flushed the toilet, which, to all appearances did not require flushing. (He flushed every time he came to clean the room, thus earning him the sobriquet “Flush Boy” from me and my crew).

    Anyway, tasks thus completed, I give him a 50 Riyal tip. That’s roughly 10 bucks American, kind of a big tip, but what the hell – it was Exxon-Mobil’s money and this kid looked like he didn’t have a pot to piss in. His eyes widened, I get a couple of earnest “sho-krans” (“thank you”) and then he turns around and starts to drop trow.

    Fortunately, I was able to communicate, through some exceptionally frantic sign language, that he had earned his tip and no further services were required.

  • Stephanie

    LOL! OMG Rich thats sooo…sooo…….typical. I think I am never gonna ever forget this story LOL! Poor guy…

  • Another favorite Saudi story:

    One of the things refineries do periodically is to pressure test the big storage tanks. On this particular day, a million gallon crude oil tank was scheduled for testing. What they do is start pumping nitrogen into the empty tank until they reach the target pressure – in this case 2 inches of water column.

    I’m in the control room watching over the operator’s shoulder, as he stares at the readings on his computer console. The operator is a Saudi. (Saudis don’t work in the field at the refineries – that is beneath them). Nitrogen is clearly flowing, but the digital display of the pressure isn’t changing. Thus, the tank would appear to leaking.

    Except – down by the tank itself, a Brit contractor is looking at an old-fashioned dial gauge sticking out of the wall of the tank. That gauge is climbing – alarmingly quickly. The Brit is on the radio, frantically telling the Saudi operator to stop the test. The Saudi, refusing to believe the infidel, tells the Brit that he is mistaken. “There is no increase in pressure!”

    The pressure got up to about 6 inches (roughly 2x design) before the tank blew. Split open the top like a can of peas. Nobody hurt – at least that time.

    • Stephanie

      I have met more than my share of middle eastern guys and let me say, Saudis and Egyptians are not my favorites. Not in any way shape or form. There was a Jordanian guy we knew though who was fairly normal. He took his daughter with him to the Gym all the time and she worked out, like the rest of us in Gym clothes and everything. The saddest thing I saw was seeing the Saudi women, covered completely at social events. One girl all you could see was her eyes. At an event I had our dog with me and Buford and I were wandering through the crowd with hubs and I looked up at the Saudi women and the girl was watching me and my guy almost wistfully. It was like she wanted to escape. That never left me. It made me feel guilty. There we were abut 68 degrees and that girl along with the other three (All wives of the same icky man) covered like it was 78 below 0. Islam to me is misogyny on steroids.

  • Veruckt

    I’m trying to come up with other good headlines for this story and so far I’m stuck on:

    “IBS meets IED”

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