A Study In Hair Plugs – Joe Biden

When the White House released its brilliant new idea to win the war in Afghanistan – and by “brilliant” I of course mean “I didn’t think they were in office long enough to smoke enough crack to come up with something this stupid” – the administration credited Vice President Joe Biden with the plan. The “plan”, such as it is, to let the Taliban have a role in governing Afghanistan may make as much sense to you as FDR saying “you know, we don’t really have a big problem if the Nazis want to govern Germany, it’s just the Wermacht and SS that are getting under our skin.” But then what do we know? We’re not big-time, deep-thinkin’ public servants like Joe.

For the record, I don’t believe that Biden came up with this idea. I don’t think that Joe Biden would recognize an idea if John Cleese whapped him across the head with a haddock full of ideas. The reason you attribute an idea to Joe Biden is because if the public decides that said idea smacks of irresponsible idiocy, you can always chuckle and say: “ha-ha, you know our Joe – always coming up with something wacky!” Still, shouldn’t we get to know the man who is a hearbeat away from what used to be the most powerful office in the world a little better? And what finer way that to examine the visual records. At a thousand words apiece, this collection makes for a nice novella.

Let’s get started:

Joe’s high school graduation picture. Either it took him fifteen years to finish high school – which is a real possibility – or he is one of those guys who looked thirty from the day he hit puberty. The other interesting thing to notice is that his eyes are open. As we shall soon see, this not the Joe Biden norm.

The Biden “full chompers on display, vote early, vote often” smile. He may be winking at us too, but it’s hard to tell because, from what I have found, his eyes were reduced to 2 mm slits some years ago. Whether this is a side effect of the hair plugs or a result of him spending hours practicing the smile in front of a mirror – and thus being blinded by the reflective glare of those teeth – I can not say.

The Biden grin is annoying, but not nearly as annoying as…

…the Biden smirk.

Ugh.

A whole lotta Biden pics involve Uncle Joe flapping his hands around. Presumably, this distracts the listener from tying to determine the extent of the hair plugs, or worse – to try to make sense of what the hell he’s saying.

More hand flapping, as Joe tries explaining to reporters what the letter “W” looks like.

I think this is actually Leslie Nielsen’s annoying younger brother standing in for Joe, rather than the Veep himself, but he definitely has the hand-flapping down pat.

“And then, I looked up and – OHHHHHHH! – everybody else had pulled their pants down too!”

Only one hand visible and something has happened that has caused Joe’s eyes to bulge (relative to their normal position) out of Joe’s head. What then, is the other hand up to as Joe asks the interviewer to give him a minute?

You may now draw your own conclusions.

I spent a few minutes in front of the mirror tying to recreate this expression (confusing the dogs – but fortunately Mrs. Trzupr didn’t walk in on me) in an effort to determine what emotion or utterance could result in this particular expression. The best I could come up with is that he was trying to hack up a hairball.

Presented for you consideration: someone qualified to be Vice President of the United States and a puppy, always eager to please.

I leave it to you to decide which is which.

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