Now this is spying I can get behind. Der Speigel has a story on East German jokes collected by West German spies during the Cold War.
Did East Germans originate from apes? Impossible. Apes could never have survived on just two bananas a year. Such jokes were whispered in communist East Germany — and West German spies recorded them diligently to gain insights into the public mood, according to recently released intelligence files.
“What would happen if the desert became communist? Nothing for a while, and then there would be a sand shortage.” Jokes like that made the rounds among East Germans during the communist era, and West Germany’s intelligence service would collect them, as a way to assess the public mood behind the Iron Curtain but also to amuse its masters in Bonn, the West German capital.
Here’s another one: “Why does West Germany have a higher standard of living than we do? Because communists can’t get work permits there.” The ubiquitous Trabant or Trabi, East Germany’s legendary plastic car with its clattering two-stroke engine, was a favorite butt of jokes as well. Like this one: “A new Trabi has been launched with two exhaust pipes — so you can use it as a wheelbarrow.”
The jokes were gleaned from secretly opened letters and phone conversations that agents from West Germany’s Bundesnachrichtendienst (BND) would monitor in their quest for East German state secrets during the Cold War.
Go to the link above and read the whole thing. Like much great humor there is much truth and a touch of the gallows, bitterness, etc. that accompanied life under the boot of the East German Stasi.
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Q:How many Communists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:”Vat is light bulb?”
Found these here:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/bloggers/2034081/posts
Why do KGB agents work in threes?
One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor. All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.
Brezhnev was getting a lot of grief for not letting Jews emigrate to Israel. He finally called an aide into his office, and brought up the issue.
“How many Jews do we have in the USSR?”
“Fourteen million”, replied the aide.
And how many of those would take the opportunity to emigrate to Israel if I allow it”, asked Brezhnev.
“Thirty-seven million.”
KGB officer tells the next of kin that their father committed suicide.
Kin: How did he die?
KGB: Skull fracture.
Kin: Skull fracture?
KGB: Well, he wouldn’t take the poison.
I liked the radio report that there was bad news and good news with The Five Year Plan.
The bad news – awful crops -manufacuring output poor – no heating oil.
The Good news – it will be a whole lot better than under the next five year plan.
Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”
Tell me-is this already communism or will it be worse yet?
Find more here:
http://www.geocities.com/troys_tales/jokes.html
The seven miracles of the Soviet Authority:
1. There is no unemployment, yet nobody works.
2. Nobody works, yet the Grand Scheme is carried out.
3. The Grand Scheme is carried out, yet there is nothing to buy.
4. There is nothing to buy, yet there are lineups everywhere.
5. There are lineups everywhere, yet everyone has everything.
6. Everyone has everything yet everyone is dissatisfied.
7. Everyone is dissatisfied, yet everyone votes ‘Yes’.
One East German policeman asks another:
‘What do you think of our regime?’
‘The same as you.’
‘Then it’s my duty to arrest you!’
What is Russian business?
Stealing a box of vodka and selling it so as to have money to spend on drink.
Hey,how about some Taliban jokes…
http://www.russian-jokes.com/political_jokes/why_do_you_buy_pravda.shtml
Every morning a man would come up to the newspaper stand, and buy a copy of Pravda, look at the front page and then toss it angrily into the near-by bin.
The newspaper-seller was intrigued.
‘Excuse me,’ he said to the man, ‘Every morning you buy a copy of Pravda from me and chuck it in the bin without even opening it. What do you buy it for?’
‘I’m only interested in the front page,’ replied the man. ‘I’m looking out for a death notice.’
‘But you don’t get death notices on the front page,’ said the newspaper-seller, taken aback.
‘I assure you, the death notice I’m looking for will be on the front page.’
Q:How many Talibans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:None…they’re too busy screwin camels
Well, lucky for the camel, Osama has a small Timmy.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52…F-16…B-1…
One Texas Soldier
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. “One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban”.
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out “One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban”.
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again “One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban”.
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men, its a trap. There’s actually two of them.”
Yeah,the camels hardly feel a thing
they pretend to pay us, we pretend to work.
This one may have a certain ironic currency soon.
The Soviets decided to start a nightclub in Moscow, but it never did much business. The commissar called the manager in to figure out the problem.
“Is it the food?” asked the commissar.
“Impossible, Comrade! We have the best chefs in Russia, all trained at the Cordon Bleu.”
“Is it the music?”
“Impossible, Comrade! We have the finest musicians in Russia, many of whom studied in the west with jazz legends who are fellow travelers.”
“Could it be the girls?”
“Impossible, Comrade! All our girls have been faithful party members for at least thirty years!”
Reagan used to tell a great one I can’t promise to be verbatim but I’ll try.
There was a 10 year waiting list to get a car in the Soviet Union and Vlad was finally in line to get his. So Vlad files his official request with the Bureau of Automobiles and the clerk tells him;
“Okay in ten years you come back and pick up vehicle.”
“Okay” says Vlad “Morning or night?”
Puzzled the clerk says “It is 10 years from now what does it matter.”
Vlad replies “Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.”
From the article:
“Telling jokes was playing with fire,” says Kleemann. The Stasi had… employees and a network of civil informants… It regarded every political joke as a potential threat. Anyone who poked fun at the representatives of the organs of state and society was subject to prosecution.”
Thank Gaiea we live in a country where people can question the political regime without fear of prosecution from organs of the state!
Those damn state organs!