We all have things we “don’t get,” be it television, automobiles or any of the latest fads permeating our pop culture. With Hollywood more and more ensnared by its own cranium-rectum-inversion, more people feel the town is out of touch. Regardless, here are things I “just don’t get.”
1. The Eagles: For those who considered Creedance Clearwater Revival to be too revived, we have The Eagles and their country-sans-soft-rock folksy pop smugness. Truth of the matter, the band would have been shuttered with the rest of those left behind in the 70s if not for the inclusion of Joe Walsh – he formerly of James Gang. Walsh gave the band edge on guitar, as well as creativity in songwriting. He dragged Frey, Henley and the rest along with him. One scan of my iPod, you’ll find plenty of James Gang and Joe Walsh, with no Eagles with the exception of “Guilty of a Crime” off their latest, which is essentially a Joe Walsh solo tune. Given how the band and its egos work (another reason to hate The Eagles), I would be surprised if the rest of the band knew it was on the CD before it was released.
2. Detective shows: We’re not talking Joe Friday, or even Magnum P.I. It started with Hill Street Blues, then morphed to NYPD Blue and now exists in the form of innumerable Law and Order franchises. TV execs love fast-talking, stoic and overdressed detectives browbeating weaklings and lowlifes – all set to a pretentious script with one lesson – all normal people are inherently evil. It exists as some intellectual fantasy, not based in any reality. Truth is, most detectives can’t afford $1,000 suits and they don’t have the Dick Cheney picture on the wall to let them know which one is the bad guy.
3. “Smart” car: Followed home a supposed “smart car” the other day with the tell-tale and ever-appropriate license plate “M1N1 MAC.” The guy driving it was 400 pounds. If there is a better than average chance you can break your car by sitting in it, you need a new car.
4. The Lord of the Rings Movies: Granted I sometimes savor a good ol’ epic fantasy to burn a few hours, but Peter Jackson’s tribute to Tolkein was boring, limping along with its rather sturdy CGI crutch. Granted, it’s difficult putting together a live-action field full of mammoths, but I find it strange that Jackson somehow avoids the same criticisms Lucas received for overly videogaming the Star Wars prequels.
5. Doctors shows: Take detective and doctor dramas off TV, there would be no dramas left. With the demise of Boston Legal, the lawyer drama has been driven back to its proper place in Hades, where most lawyers eventually find themselves. The detective drama seems to be petering out, but the doctor drama is here to stay, the worst of which, the floundering and soapy Grey’s Anatomy. Perhaps the worst “hit” television show ever made, the show is the great indictment of the American viewing audience. Here’s how it goes – one doctor sleeps with another doctor, meanwhile someone with a horrific and unrealistic injury or six (usually a million-to-one shot for all of them) comes in to add some tension. Someone sleeps with someone else, there’s tears and by then I’m usually out walking the dog. Even my wife, who eats up anything about the medical industry, began to doubt the show when a female doctor ran out of male coworkers to sleep with, so they paired her up with a new female cast member in the most hastily conceived plot twist put on television.
Lets not forget House, the curmudgeonly doctor with patients who want to die. Everyone is sick, usually due to some awful secret. But House finds the truth, first by berating them, making a fool of himself in one fashion or another, and thus forcing a confession from said patient – the only difference between episodes is some patients walk out and others don’t. What makes the show unique is House makes no apologies for being a bad person. An interesting subplot is House and his behavior are a result of living in the shadow of his war-hero father (R. Lee Ermey), but it’s hardly explored in favor of the usual medical shock-and-awe storytelling.
The next fad to hate – the nurse show, where a heroic nurse (there’s two of these on TV somewhere, I’ve seen the commercials) takes on bureaucratic doctors and manages the hospital all in the name of nursie goodness.
I can’t believe you left out the “Green” fad. It’s easily the largest and most idiotic fad in history. Twice as much money for an inferior, more cheaply produced product to feel less guilty about a non-existent problem. It doesn’t get much dumber than that.
* I have never, in my life, understood the appeal of the Eagles, the most boring band in the history of the English Language. All the more mystifying because several of the individual Eagles are themselves fairly talented, but if you put them together, instantly you get a band that could easily give Crosby, Stills, Nash and/or Young a race for snoozeville.
(As an aside, I never got the appeal of any version of CSNY either, amazingly boring, but at least their portentious awfulness is easier ot understand: Young’s the only one with any talent, and the other three all suck out loud)
* A car that drives itself would be truely smart and worth having. Anything else is just wasting my time.
* Detective shows are cool, when done well. They’re frequently not done well, but by complaining about them you’re futzing with the underpinnings of the fictional universe, since, ultimately, all shows are detective shows of a kind, including Doctor shows.
* Valid point that Jackson escapes a lot of the criticism that he’s probably due – he did change the story quite a bit – but I think this ignores the fact that Jackson TOLD A STORY, and it was a good one. Lucas simply gave us seven and a half hours of why-bother commercials for NES games with his prequels. And Jackson shall always have a place in my heard for “Dead Alive” and his amazing propensity for exploding sheep. Also, I really liked “The Frighteners.”
JohnFN,
It’s like you read my mind. I don’t get any of this stuff either. Your item on the Eagles is spot on with my opinion, especially the Joe Walsh comments. I too own no Eagles (except for one song on the “FM” soundtrack), but own tons of Walsh.
I’ve never even seen the “LOTR” movies. I saw a few snippets and it was all CGI, so I never bothered. I’ve also never watched any of the television shows you lambaste. I saw the opening of “Grey’s Anatomy” once, it followed the Super Bowl, and it was gosh awful and unrealistic.
Rufus,
So you haven’t seen Red Dawn or the LOTR movies? Are you in hiding?
Ever since I ratted on the Gambinos. Firefly isn’t even my real surname.
I don’t get the Eagles either and I used to like them. They write a song called Get Over It, which is a conservative anthem and then bitch when Rush wanted to use it? Did they even know what they wrote or were they so high on the halfflings leaf they didn’t realize it? Idiots. I hate Don Henley. The fact that he was born in Texas means he is a disgrace to that state.
I don’t get Smart Cars. They look like eggs on wheels, besides being totally unsafe. I’d die of embarressment if I was forced to drive one of those fugly things.
Anti Hunters. They do more harm to the eniviroment than they know. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. The Bambi huggers define that cliche’ to the bone.
Law and Order…..
Nancy Pelosi’s district. A place that should be roped off from teh rest of the country and allowed to sit on it and twirl.
Re: Gray’s, and TV dramas in general today, I’d figured that I just didn’t like dramas any more because I can’t even watch most of them for an entire hour. My wife loves nearly all of them, and I try to watch sometimes, but I get bored and start thinking of other things to do. I’m afflicted.
Then I started watching “Mad Men” this year, and I realized it was the style of all those other dramas I couldn’t stand. It wasn’t me.
I love everything about that show. The lighting, the dialogue, the camera work, the long single-take scenes with no quick-cut edits, the lack of silly music to push emotional buttons, the way the kids are expected to behave, etc. Overall, the tone is of an adult world with serious people doing important things.
I really miss that. You just don’t get that vibe from anything in TV or movies today, and I have to wonder if that isn’t a huge untapped market.
Jeff,
I don’t watch “Mad Men” either, but the Mrs. has told me it’s a good show.
I think it is an enormous, untapped market and I also think the lack of substance in so much of our media and culture has a negative impact on the kids we’re raising. There no longer is an adult world with serious people doing important things.
Antidote to Law and Order?
NCIS.
Antidote to Grey’s Anatomy?
Scrubs.
Scrubs was good. The doctors were interesting, unique. It also explored the non-medical staff.
They were not whiny, even the metrosexual JD.
Scrubs: Space Invaders
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1JMmb3Q4B4
I am tentatively optimistic about Scrubs season 9. It will be more like a spin-off, talking place at a med-school instead of the hospital, and having a new central character to replace JD, but I will definitely give it a shot.
I once thought of The Eagles as one of my favorite groups. Today, I lunge for volume knob if I hear even a few notes of one of their songs. About a year ago I was really depressed…down so low the underbelly of a snake looked like up to me. I heard one of Don Henley’s solo songs and it made me feel worse. Woke up the next day with the song still in my head. It took days to get over that inane melody and trite lyrics. I’m not even sure which one it was now and I realize that 98% of Henley’s solo song I’ve heard are depressing.
The episode left me scarred and I hate going shopping at places where pop music is piped in. I might hear Don Henley! I find most pop songs depressing anyway.
I have always been rather totalitarian in my musical tasts. If I don’t like something musical I will not abide it. I lunge for the radio dial/button/knob. I’ve tried to codify my tastes and one thing I’ve determined is I cannot stand maudlin. The occassional ballad is alright, I often enjoy stuff in minor keys, but maudlin? No thanks!
Antidote to the standard TV dramas (and, yes, could get rid of the detective and hospital ones)? Friday Night Lights, Seasons 1 & 3. Sincerely hope the upcoming season doesn’t suffer from anti-Star Trek movies syndrome.
Doubt hitting a “Smart Car” would even wake up most truck drivers.
You hate the LORD OF THE RINGS?!?!
BLASPHEMER!!!
LEAVE THIS PLACE AT ONE AND NEVER RETURN!!!
Kenn you have to understand that my disgust with SmartCars goes back to the fact that the day we officially moved out of our house in Valrico and moved onto MacDill for two weeks before leaving for California I was passed by a Smart Car on the Leroy Selmon expressway. Do you know how humiliating that was. And the funny thing is, they reach 70 MPH and they start to shudder like the early air planes when they approached 100 MPH…I am pretty sure anything above 80 MPH and they shake apart.
John FN, you’re wrong on many counts. But then I don’t get sports, so who am I to talk?
For the most part, my opinion of The Eagles is the same as The Dude’s from The Big Lebowski. “Hotel California” is an awesome song, but I will never forgive them for the mind-numbing epic awfulness that is “Take it to the Limit”.
Anyway, here’s my list:
1. Scooby-Doo. Even as a kid I thought the show was stupid and boring, but to this day people still treat it like some kind of pop culture milestone. What the hell?
2. Our culture’s endless glamorizing of “rebels”. Whether it’s hip-hop thugs or Che Guevara, our culture is obsessively in love with anyone who rebels against any aspect of modern culture, even if they’re rebelling for all the wrong reasons and are actually trying to hurt people and make society worse. Who gives a damn if they’re rebellious? I talked back to my parents when I was a hormonal teenager, but that didn’t make me a hero, it made me a spoiled punk.
3. Seth McFarlane. His shows (Family Guy, American Dad etc) are hugely popular, and I have no idea why. They’re not funny, for starters: he relies way too much on idiotic shock humor, and other than Stewie on Family Guy, his characters are not amusing or interesting in the least. The animation is pedestrian and unpleasant to look at; heck, South Park gets more creative just using cardboard.
4. Motorcycles. I get the love for Harley Davidson, for example, but I don’t understand why people like riding them in the first place. It’s noisy, unsafe, you have to deal with bugs and the wind chill factor, and you can’t even listen to music while driving them.
5. Romantic comedies. There hasn’t been a really good one made since Notting Hill 10 years ago, but people keep going back to them. Why not just rent a good one instead of wasting a trip to the theater on a newer, lame one? Meanwhile, good actors get stuck wasting away in one bad romantic comedy after another, when they’ve shown good talent in other genres (check out Hugh Grant in Extreme Measures and About a Boy, or Matthew McConaughey in We Are Marshall and A Time to Kill, for example).
Only have one non-Walsh Eagles fave and that’s “These Shoes” (though Beastie Boys sample of the drum intro is even better to these ears). Agreed on Matty Mc in Time to Kill, too. That boy coulda been the next Newman.
I watch Mr. Romcom in “Reign of Fire” and weep at what could have been.
Agree on Family Guy, the only character who can garantee a laugh is the baby.
Something about a crude, intellectual-sounding baby that is funny . . .
I don’t get people who out of pure ideological reasons that ulitmately have nothing to do with good policy vote for a third party candidate that couldn’t win an election as dog catcher. The perfect is the enemy the good and when you bring that point up the freak out and call people names.
@ Jimmie C,
Here’s my theory: A lot of our “Cultural Touchstones” are intended for the lowest common denominator. For instance, I’m willing to bet that a lot of people who like the Eagles absolutely love Scooby Doo: It’s not like we can really argue with them about it, you know? They’re just idiots. Their kind lacks the opposible digits and cranial capacity to understand more esoteric matter, like, say, The Smurfs.
Regarding our country’s fascination with Rebels – yeah! Where the hell do we get off venerating people like Washington and Jefferson and that bunch of destructive terrorists! What did they ever do for anyone? Posers! I’m pretty sure Washington was a gay poser at that…
Republibot: it’s not about the rebellion itself, it’s about what you’re rebelling against, and for. We don’t love the Founding Fathers because they were rebellious, we love them because they were fighting for freedom and democracy, and against tyranny.
What bothers me is that we worship scumbags like Che Guevara, simply for their romantic image as rebels, and ignore the fact that he was a mass-murdering, human rights-depriving dictator to his core. It’s the same kind of moral relativism that caused Michael Moore to compare the Iraqi insurgency with the Minutemen.
“it’s about what you’re rebelling against”
What d’ya got?
Top 10 Reasons to Own a Smart Car:
10. Safe as a Ford Pinto.
9. 2 speeds – “Slow” and “Fall Apart.” (Courtesy, Stephanie)
8. Ladies! Car easily carried in your purse.
7. Eco-friendly “Flintstones” power.
6. Obama approved!
5. Keeps occupants fresh and tasty for days.
4. They’re biodegradable!
3. Kids love ‘em.
2. Makes a great stocking stuffer.
1. Stops; climate change, sunrise/sunset and the orbit of the planets around the sun.
1. The Eagles: I like a few of their songs, and they have some genuine musical talent, but I have always preferred the dirtier, “under-produced” sound of CCR. In fact, that is a general rule for most of my musical taste. I would much rather listen to the gritty, minimalist post-punk or Joy Division and The Cure rather than the glitzy, arena-rock of Journey.
2. Detective Shows: Meh. I can take ‘em or leave ‘em. I do enjoy L & O: SVU occasionally.
3. Smart Car: I reflexively scream a pejorative that would get me sent to sensitivity training should it be overheard by anyone subjecting themselves to current PC mores.
4. Lord of the Rings: You should keep this one to yourself. LOTR (book and movie) rocks.
5. Doctor Shows: I’m with ya here. I never got into them. While it is not strictly a doctor show I have watched a few episodes of “Trauma” with my roommate. After a few episodes I summed up my feelings about the show as such:
“Monotonous vignettes of horrible sh*t happening to various people broken up by boring characters and their “non-problem” problems. No thanks.”
The thing I don’t get about Smart Cars is their price. You can get similarly crappy cars that get the same or better mileage, have more room and cost less. What’s the point?
As far as rebels are concerned, our culture does not glamorize principled “rebels” like Washington, or even like Robert E. Lee. They glorify people who are selfish and thoughtless and immature, but sexy. Because that’s adolescent. And adolescents are a very lucrative target market. I think the whole Rebel Chic movement is market-based.
We’re living in the age of the perpetual adolescent.
Excellent point, Lars!
I still enjoy some Eagles songs, particularly “One Of These Nights”…but I don’t particularly care for their politics or attitude. I can think of plenty of bands more deserving of my scorn though. Example A: Rage Against The Machine, Example B: REM
Smart Cars: Watch the South Park episode about the
PriusPious. Smae thing applies here.If Rage Against the Machine really meant it they’d do their shows through megaphones and use acoustic instruments. They’d also never record again. They’re wankers.
I’m with you on the Eagles, Smart Cars, and Doctor shows, with the exception of House. I do however watch anything that has a dead body in the first 15 minutes, except for the Law and Order series, and own the LOTR movies and books.
JimmyC,
I understand why they keep trying with romantic comedies, a really well done one leaves an audience feeling great and they will see it multiple times. I did enjoy Julie and Juliet recently, but you are right most have been a miss lately.
I like rebels, but I’m a southern girl. However, I draw the line at stupid ones. Rhett Butler is my kind of rebel. Couldn’t stand the hero in Titanic, he was just a punk. He wasn’t rebelling, he just wanted to do what he wanted to do.
I also love a good ride on a motorcycle, but I prefer on back roads, or even better, dirt bike riding. For me, it’s about the power you get to barely control and the feeling you get when you do control it. A little bit of danger is fun!
I don’t get jumping off of or out of perfectly safe structures or planes. I barely want to get on them in the first place.
I don’t get people who say that they are better parents when they spend less time with their kids. I understand needing time away from them or even working outside the home, but how on earth do you get better at something you don’t spend any time doing? You never see an Olympic champion saying, “yeah, really I just don’t spend that much time practicing. I’m a much better skier if I only do it a hour or so a day.”
I don’t get any woman who says, “but I thought he’d change”. 90% of the time the jerk you were dating will be the same jerk you marry. If you met him in a bar, don’t whine when he comes home drunk. If you met him at a gym, don’t whine when he spends 2 hours a day working out. Try the church, although there are bad ones there, at least they are trying to fake it. One of my best friends and I want to write a Christian marriage book called, You Married the SOB- how to live with guy you’re married to. That or You Made Your Bed, Now Go Get Laid In It- How important sex is in marriage. We think those would look fabulous on the shelves next to Max Lucado.
I don’t get Christian book/gift stores. Why does my highlighter pen need a verse on it?
I don’t get women who dress like a high class prostitute and then complain that men don’t notice them for their intelligence or personality. You aren’t displaying your personality as well as you are your breasts. If it ain’t for sale, get it out of the window.
Tracy, I’m with you on people who like to jump off of buildings, planes, etc. In fact, I probably should have added extreme sports to my list.
I think the show Titus said it best: “Normal people see a bridge and think, ‘wow, what a beautiful architectual achievement.’ Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, ‘I gotta jump off of that!’”
Fantastic, Tracy! Lots of good quotes there. The book ideas are winners!
I still laugh when I think of my cousin telling me how he saw a guy come out of a Costco or Sam’s Club and try to get his purchases, including a mega jumbo pack of tp, into his Smart Car. Guess he forgot what he was driving when he was shopping. His eyes were bigger than his car?
Does Dougie Houser, MD count as a doctor show? I loved that as a pre-teen, but I can’t really remember what it was about except a smart kid being a doctor who journaled on his computer and had an Italian friend.
How about Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along?
Not all shows about doctors are “doctors” shows. Just as not all “detective” shows are detective shows. I’m speaking primarily of the modern hospital and crime dramas on the major networks – most of which harbor some resentment toward everyday people, shock-and-awe storytelling and overboard political correctness as well as a lack of humor on any level. “Psych” and “Monk” are both detective shows but aren’t “detective” shows in the form of what the network cranks out in the stoic, bland, politically correct manner.
Oh, and we have the *extended version boxed set* of LOTR and I LOVE IT, even though the story line doesn’t follow the books close enough for my taste.
That’s the one we own. The boys call it the hobbits movie.
I realized we had maybe watched it a bit much when I overheard my oldest twins in the back seat talking and one says to the other “do you know what a table dancer is?”. I didn’t interrupt, hoping I’d find out where on earth they heard about that. The other one replies in the negative so he proceeds to tell him, “you know, those people who dance on tables while people throw money….like on hobbits”. He was talking about the scene in the bar with Merry, Frodo and Pippin dancing on tables. Thank God. I told them that yes, hobbits are known for their table dancing.
Where is the edit button when you need it?
A so-called “smart car” is a Yugo with modern styling.
I agree with all of these points except for LOTR. Sure Jackson changed some things around, but the movie would be twice as long if he didn’t. And like we’d want to listen to Tom Bombadil sing those stupid songs.
First of all, all apostasy aside, I have never read the Tolkein books. I was more into working on my car and kissing girls in school (I kid, I kid). My critique is based on the movie. Yes, I would agree it had a better story than the Star Wars prequels (what doesn’t), but there were too many gratuitous “look at what my computer can do better than yours” shots. Those “epic” battles felt fake and plastic to me.
I felt more alive watching “Willow” than I did any major battle in Lord of the Rings. Given the “epicness” of it all and the battle for all good and evil, the lack of engagement I felt was pretty damning. Watch “Lawrence of Arabia” and tell me which movie makes you feel more alive.
I never read the books, and only saw parts of the movies, but from what I can tell, all the the sound an fury and blood and gore didn’t matter. It was all for nothing. The whole thing was one giant macguffin. All that mattered was that some midget with crap impacted between his toes had to throw some ring into the right hole and win a prize.
I am not alone, thank God! The best song by The Eagles is “Hotel California,” and the best version was done for “The Big Lebowski,” a cover by The Gypsy Kings.
Detective shows hit their zenith with “Homicide;” it’s been downhill ever since. I typically enjoy “House” because it’s more detective show than medical drama, but so far this season reeks.
Don’t apologize for never having read the Tolkien books; I’ve tried for years and still think they’re amazingly boring. As for the films, I agree 100%. I think I may have actually fallen asleep during one or three of the “climatic” battles in the third film. Give me “Lawrence of Arabia” any day.
Coincidentally, ‘Awrence provides a proper quote as to why motorcycles are great: “[A] motor-bike with a touch of blood in it is better than all the riding animals on earth, because of its logical extensions of our facilities, and the hint, the provocations, to excess.”
@ JimmyC: I’d argue that rebellions tend to happen when people feel they have no other option. If you look at life in the Colonies at the time of the revolution, conditions for the average person were far, far, far, far better than they were in Cuba under the Batista regime. If our revolution was justified, then so was theirs, and so were the previous 2 or 3 Cuban revolutions that no one remembers any more. I *like* rebels. Rebels are very straight-forward and predictable, you know where you stand with them, as opposed to, say, Democrats. As Jefferson said, “Disobedience to tyrants is the highest form of piety.”
The difference, I think, is this: Our revolution was about making things better for us, and it didn’t get co-opted by thugs, whereas the French revolution and the various Cuban revolutions merely claimed to be about making things better, when in fact what they really meant was “Power to me and a few of my friends, who know what’s best for the people.” The Cuban revolutions all had good ideals, most of which we’d agree with in a hearbeat, but they got thugified pretty quickly.
If that’s the case, then a “Good” revolution and a “Bad” revolution are impossible to judge until long after the fact: A good one gives rise to a stable, humanistic, humanitarian government that doesn’t oppress it’s people, and a bad one is, well, anything else, really.
I realize it’s unpopular to be a conservative and diss Batista because he was *OUR* thug, but the fact remains that peasants don’t revolt because they’re happy, they tend to do it because they’re working 20 hour days, are starving, and too poor to own shoes.
totally agree with jimmyC on Seth McFarlane. I was so happy when that show bit the big one, then came back like a zombie on DVD, stronger than before. It’s The Simpsons with downs syndrome. I always through the foundation of humor is insight. Family has neither. It’s just stoopit.
It was also one of the reasons I finally left animation. really, really despise it, but it just keeps going and going.
Something else I just don’t get – Kathy Griffin. The woman is pathologically incapable of kindness, or truth. The hatred radiates like shards of broken glass. I don’t get these comedians who say the most vulgar things, comments with not a shred of insight, wrapped in a hatred so black it’s demented. Doesn’t matter how ignorant you are, because my anger is so intense everything magically becomes true? WTF. This is comedy??
So Mr. Sideous, what are some animation shows you used to work on?
I think the reason that Peter Jackson isn’t criticized for his CGI use as much as George Lucas is because Jackson and his crew actually tried to limit their use of CGI. All those establishing shots of Minas Tirith or Orthanc? Those weren’t CG, those were large models. Lucas used GC for the Clone Troopers and didn’t build a single piece of clone armor; Jackson employed guys to make honest-to-goodness chain mail or plate armor for every single battle-scene extra. And yes, even in the big CG battles, they did have some hundreds of real actors–they just used the computers to multiply them.
Lucas actually lied about a lot of that. Most of the shots of Naboo City or Theed or whatever the hell it was were actual models, though he claims they were CGI to this day. The big corino sea city from ep 2 was also supposed to be CGI, but they used to have a clip of Jamie building the damn thing in the opening credits of Mythbusters.
I think possibly Lucas just doesn’t actually know what the hell his people are doing.