What is the most ethical way for a hopeless environmentalist to end it all? Spiked’s “Ask Ethan” column has the answer:
Dear Ethan,
After careful consideration I have decided to end my life. Things haven’t been going very well for me lately, but more importantly I am keen to reduce my carbon impact on the planet. Like the average Briton I probably produce around 9.3 tonnes of carbon each year. I am 26 years old, and reckon I could live for another 60 years; if I end things now I will save a total of 558 tonnes of carbon, for which I believe future generations should be grateful. But I have a question: what is the most ethical way to commit suicide? I don’t want my self-destruction to be destructive to the planet!
Yours faithfully,
Zach Montague
Richmond-upon-Thames
Who are these people and why aren’t there more of them? Perhaps we should encourage their hopelessness and despair? I mean after sincerely and ardently trying to convince them of the wrongheadedness of their view. In either case… Ethan helps Zach wind his way through the Scylla of suicide and the Charybdis of “going” green:
I think the key to a green and ethical suicide is to leave no trace of your body behind. Selfish families will insist on holding a ceremony to dispose of bodies, often without a thought as to the environmental impact. A church funeral means people driving miles, maybe even flying to attend, not to mention the damage done by a gas-guzzling old hearse. It might be argued that once buried, human bodies provide food for other species, but as one brave EU environment commissioner reminds us, embalming fluids pose a danger to ‘living organisms’ – maggots and beetles that feast on the deceased – and should be banned. Will your family stop and think of the poor insects?
Even worse, they might opt for cremation. Did you know that 437,000 wooden coffins – the equivalent of 140 000 trees – are wastefully burnt in these self-regarding ceremonies in Britain EVERY YEAR? Cremation pollutes the environment with dioxin, hydrochloric acid, sulphur dioxide and carbon dioxide. All your good intentions in taking your own life could be undermined at the touch of an incinerator button.
So ideally your suicide should leave nothing to bury or cremate. A colleague in America advises eco-warriors who choose Carbon Suicide to throw themselves off a boat, so that the body disintegrates on the seabed and makes little impact on the ozone layer. However, I’m not so sure. Whales, dolphins and fish have a hard enough time with pollution and nets without having to avoid or swallow human carcasses, shoelaces, belts and buttons. If you do take the sea-suicide option, please remove all your clothing first (and post to a green charity shop prior to death).
In my view, probably the most ethical way to commit suicide is by self-cremation. Go deep into a forest, douse the body sparingly and set yourself alight. The ‘experts’ assure me that there is as yet no environmentally-friendly flammable liquid to match petrol. However, before turning to the Great Satan gasoline, I think a truly committed individual might experiment with vegetable oil and bio-fuels – after all, if they can power green cars, surely they can burn a green carcass! But even if you have to use a few (carefully measured) cups of petrol it will do far less damage to the eco-system than a conventional cremation. (Ironically, an obese over-consumer may burn more easily.) What’s more, the few remains of your body can be recycled by foxes and other small carnivores. So you will be sparing the planet from your 558 tonnes of carbon and literally giving a hand to Britain’s beleaguered wildlife at the same time.
My last word to you, Zach: don’t leave a suicide note. Even using a single sheet of paper contributes to the felling of trees for profit and the threatened extinction of many animals. Why ruin your selfless ethical moment? Post it on MySpace as a shining example to future generations of how to choose life by ending it all. Good luck!
h/t: JJ
Ethan, you can go to hell.
Sickening.
As much as I say, when some eco-nut says we need to reduce the number of people, why aren’t they first in line, I hope the poor guy does not go through with it. Life is valuable and he is obviously misguided.
Ethan, however, is one of the misguidERS leading people astray. He is one I wonder why he has not done it yet?
LEt me rephrase my las paragraph:
ETHAN IS A ****ING ****** ****!!!
Is that for real? I just thought it was all tongue in cheek?
Veruckt,
You are right, it does seem too wierd to be true.
It’s Spiked so I took it as gallows humor. I doubt it’s real or I wouldn’t have tagged it “humor”.
seems too weird, but truth is always stranger than fiction.
I would hope though that someone like Ethan is held as an accomplice to murder…or whatever the legal term would be, should the letter writer actually find the gonads to off himself as a result of Ethan’s answer.
Floyd,
I am always very pleased with myself whenever I can work both “Scylla” and “Charybdis” into a conversation. You, Sir, are awesome!
Thanks! I reached for it. I also like “Sisyphean task”. Sting used Scylla and Charybdis in Wrapped Around Your Finger and I have never been more impressed. I tell my students to bone up on Greek mythology — if for no other reason than those two phrases.
When talking to students I’d be hesitant to use the phrase, “bone up on” regarding anything involving Greek culture.
I think it’s quite good advice to a greenweenie. The down side is that, being a greenweenie, he probably doesn’t have anything good that we can claim after the deed is done.
I would think that the greenest thing to do would be to hike to some very remote part of the woods and just slit your wrists. No smoke, and Our Animal Friends will find many uses for the carcass.
Sadly, our friend Zach seems to be Western Civilization, writ small.
I don’t know about the “gallows humor”, Floyd. I checked out another article at Spiked, and it seemed to be a serious piece. In their “About” section, they credit Karl Marx as a free thinker, along with John Stuart Mill, a “utilitarianism” proponent. Oddly, they find that Stalin was narrow-minded.
Then, again, I can be sort of “low-watt bulb”; so, perhaps this is the British version of The Onion, and I just don’t recognize it.
I say they go to the Arctic, or Antarctic and freeze into an ice field. That way their body won’t decay and release CO2 into the atmosphere. And then, when global warming does actually occur in a few million years or so, it won’t matter when it thaws out, because no one will ever notice.
It’s currently -1 in Barrow, AK, so it won’t take long to freeze.
http://www.weather.com/weather/local/USAK0025?lswe=barrow
This looks like a humor piece.
From Wikipedia:
Just realized that I included my comment within the above quote from Wikipedia. The last line is mine.
I knew you had my back.
You deserve one of these…
I’m back, baby!
I’m not sure what that says that I just post the suicide piece thinking it’s funny and not really even thinking it might be serious.
My favorite suicide note was from Crimes and Misdemeanors where the scientist left one that said, “I’ve gone out the window.”
P.S. Look for me outside.