Stumbled across this site while looking for other things and my Lileks kicked in. Sure you can observe all of the old-timey medicine ads at the source, but these are phramacy nerds and – in addition to being inherintly evil (being connected to the pharmaceutical industry and all) – they don’t have nearly as much fun with the material as we will.
Read on McDuff!
Dr. Batty. The name that has inspired confidence for generations!
“Not Recommended for children under six.” But really mom, do you want your three year old to suffer from asthma, hay fever, head colds, canker sores, or – dare we even mention it – foul breath? Do you? Grab your box of kitchen matches, fire one up and get Junior puffing away ASAP. Better yet, teach him how to light it himself off of the coal-gas lantern – that will save you a lot of time.
Ladies and Gentleman, I give you: Ayer’s Cherry Pectoral.
Featured ingredient: morphine.
Target audience: cheribum and seraphim who want to get completely baked.
Everybody has their market niche.
“Mabel is unstable”? You don’t say. Perhaps that explains why Fred closes Georgie’s Tap just about every night. Not just closes, but stays at least an hour past last call, hoping to God that Mabel will be asleep by the time he stumbles home. If not – well, he didn’t like to think about that…
The bartenders knew that they should toss him out when the bell rings, but he was so damn pitiful and – besides – they’ve got an understanding with the cops. Hell, it’s the least they can do. It was Al who finally found the solution.
“Just slip some of these in her saurkraut Fred.”
“Butisol Sodium? Sounds like a science experiment Al.”
“No, no. You’re not getting it. You know those ‘downers’ that the kids are taking?”
“Yeah I’ve heard of them, but what does that have to do with -”
“They work wonders buddy. They work wonders.”
“Ahhhhhh…”
White Pine and Tar AND alcohol AND chloroform.
What’s not to like?
But seriously I’m sure that this cough remedy worked.
I’m sure that it’s medically impossible to cough when you’re dead.
And historically-minded Threedonians will also recall that it was illegal for African-Americans to drink cocaine-laced Coca-Cola in the State of Georgia, on account of it made them bullet proof. Not making that up.
“Maw! Maw!”
“Land sakes child, what is it now!”
“My tooth hurts!”
“Lord Almighty young un, that’s your seventh toothache today!”
“But it hurts! I need the drops!!”
“All right. All right.”
“And Jimmy has a toothache too. And Susie, and Bobby, and Spanky, and Darla, and…”
About a decade ago, there was a story in the news about a female flight attendent who was thrown into a sexual frenzy by the medication she was taking, causing her to grind her hips repeatedly into a male passenger. My younger brother and I simultaneously asked the same two questions when we read the story: 1) What is the name of the medication? and 2) Where can we buy some?
Half of that riddle is now solved.
Codeine AND cannabis extract. It didn’t so much cure your cough as it did make you not really care about it any more.
Honestly, do we really give a s**t why this woman is tired? The real question here is: “how am I going to get her off her lazy ass and wash those dishes?” The boys are coming over to watch Monday Night Football and I’m not going to have her embarassing me in front of Dandy Don and Howard with a kitchen full of stinky dishes again – especially not when we had ’salmon surprise’ last night.
A couple of dexis will do the trick. And then, when the game’s over…
Say no more. Say no more. Wink – wink. Nudge – nudge.
Not only does Dr. Ham’s Aromatic Invigorator, er, invigorate, it also has the following side benefits:
1) Removes embarassing chin-beards!
2) Cures unsightly pig-snout syndrome!
3) Transforms your comb-over into a slightly less psychotic full head-o-unkempt-hair!
4) Allows you to morf your personality from dislikable crumudgeon into demented serial killer!
Act now – supplies are limited!
A great way to start my day! Thanks! I wish I had something witty to add but I think I need some of Dr. Batty’s formula first…
What you need to try and track down is the old medical use for…uh…hell there is no politically correct term, vibrators. Doctors used to use vibrators on women who were considered to be “hysterical”. I’m not making this up but there is also no way I’m googling “medical uses of vibrators” at work. I will leave that to another deviant.
Also let’s be nice to people in the pharmaceutical industry. The future Mrs. V and most of my friends are in that industry.
Thanks, Rich! I’ve been trying to figure out how I can morph from dislikable crumudgeon into a demented serial killer, and here’s my answer!
Either this or you can blame Pre-Traumatic Stress.
I guess this is the most appropriate place to post this. Reference HR3200, pp37-40:
All QHBP’s (although not specifically stated, it appears to be implied this refers to the “health exchange providers)will have uniform marketing, a grievance and appeals process established by the commissioner, a government run external review process for denied claims, which will be binding, a transparency clause that will dictate a WIDE variety of data, written to an audience with limited English proficiency (that the commissioner will determine) and can change benefits any time the panel determines with advance notice.
Makes me want to jump in and sign up. On second thought, I’ll just take one of the above remedies.
I occasionally lament being born about 4-5 years too late, mainly because I missed out on getting to see the Clash, the Cars or Van Halen in their Diamond Dave glory. Seems my wishes should have been just a few more years, eh?
G-Man,
The guvmnet run process for denied claims will be a red tape nightmare. We will basically be having the same people who take 6 months to tell us rather an insurance agent should get paid deciding claim payment. This will not end well.
PS. I’m still working through the bill including what you put up on Saturday.
V-
It’s even worse than what I had imagined.
V – I had heard the cure for female hysteria tale before. In my version, it was – uh – er – “manual manipulation” that did the trick, as it were. I suppose there are different techniques to these things.
If the economy continues to dump, I’m thinking of setting up “Trzupr’s Female Hysteria Clinic And Bikini Wax Emporium” as another source of income. Investors? Anyone?
Count me in Rich… I’ll bring the Twilight videos.
Well, doesn’t this just demonstrate that Big pharma has ALWAYS had only our health & best interests at heart and can be trusted to not abuse the public trust? Sure glad they cut that deal with Barry, Harry and Nancy to “reduce or slow the rise” in drug prices.
Along with the appeals process outlined by G=man (and don’t that just reassure you all to heck) I understand that (thanks to Orrin Hatch and the senators from Massachusetts, home of the Church of Christ Scientist) the Democrats Plan for Your Health will cover faith treatments … presumably this cannot be limited to Christian Science prayer sessions and should cover your “contribution” to Oral Roberts or Marjoe Gortner. Perhaps this business climate will be useful to entrepreneurial startups … time to trademark that Voodoo Acupuncture idea.
I bet that Dr. Batty’s were clove cigarettes. Clove cigarettes were originally created as an asthma remedy. The eugenol found in them had effects on asthma and has other antiseptic and anaesthetic properties. But there was something about smoking that seemed to help children with asthma during attacks, not long term smoking. If you read about Teddy Roosevelt’s childhood he suffered from asthma and taking a couple of puffs from an old stogy did the trick. It must have been the small doses of nicotine, the same way black coffee can help with its caffeine.
My favorites have always been the sanitized tapeworm diet ads (“No ill effects!”) and the use of Lysol as a feminine hygiene product. Doctor recommended to keep your husband home and not out prowling around for a fresher smelling mate.