NFL Picks Week 10

Finally a game for manly men!

Yes I am the “healthcare guy” but damn it all I love football and am reasonably sure I’ve been playing it since I was a zygote, as such I know a thing or 12 about it and have decided we need a football column. So here is a list of this week’s games and my  rock solid prediction of the outcome:

*Threedonia in no way endorses gambling but welcomes an equal splitting of all winnings.

Home team will be in bold caps

New Orleans 48 at ST. LOUIS 16

I spent some time trying to think of a scenario where the Rams could pull off an upset here and I think I have it. Alien abduction. If prior to Sunday’s game aliens were to sweep in and abduct the entire Saints team, except maybe a punter and a kicker who are not even worth kidnapping because…well they’re a kicker and a punter, then the Rams could pull this one out by forfeit otherwise not a chance. On a related note is there any way we can find out how many people showed up for the Rams and Lions game a couple weeks ago that weren’t related to or a groupie for one of the players? 10? 15?

Tampa Bay 10 at MIAMI 20

As much as I am tired of hearing about the wildcat offense I must say any team playing the Dolphins should be very nervous. The Dolphins are indeed masters of the wildcat and as such one of the least predictable teams in the NFL mark my words they will at some point upset a major Superbowl ™ team this year but clearly the Bucs do not qualify. Alas poor Dolphins fans until your team masters another “old school” offense they will not be true contenders. What is that offense you ask? Why it’s the forward pass of course.

Detroit 6 at MINNESOTA 37

The good news is in Detroit you could actually take the cost of one game ticket and buy a house. The bad news is you would still be in Detroit.

According to NFL contracts I have to add the following statement to this post. Favre really has fun out there. He plays like a kid just having fun. You may now break the keyboard across your forehead.

Jacksonville 23 at NY JETS 17

I don’t get Jacksonville. They have a very good and hugely underrated QB in Garrad, one of the best backs in the league in Jones-Drew, receivers who aren’t great but won’t kill you, and a passable defense yet they endlessly underachieve. How does Del Rio still have a job? Did he have the UAW negotiate his contract so he can’t be fired?

Jets fans I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but Sanchez isn’t the real deal and will never be a great QB and Rex Ryan will be a coordinator again for another team by the end of next season.

Buffalo 13 at TENNESSEE 27

At the beginning of the year I picked the Titans to go 7 and 9 and everyone looked at me like I had three heads and were saying things like “the Titans are going 13 and 3 and going to the Superbowl ™” but now those same people are saying things like “so you think they’ll only lose three games the rest of the season?” Yes I do. By the way I can’t name three people on Buffalo’s roster and frankly am shocked they still have a team. Moving on.

Cincinnati 13 at PITTSBURGH 24

Here is a hint on my thoughts on the Bengals, it begins with “over” and ends with “rated”. It is my old friend Mark who makes me think of this. See Mark was an average looking guy who was going out with a girl who was an absolute knockout and all was sunshine and rainbows for a while, but eventually after enough people asked Mark how he ended up with a girl that freaking hot Mark looked in the mirror and then he started wondering how he ended up with a girl that freaking hot. Once that the insecurity and doubt began to kick in.the whole relationship fizzled out within two weeks. The Bengals are my friend Mark and someday soon they’re going to look in the mirror and realize “holy crap we’re the Bengals” then the losing will start. It’s in their blood and this week will be the beginning of the decline.

Denver 23 at WASHINGTON 9

The soon to be Mrs. V has an interesting theory on why the Broncos aren’t a contender and I’m not sure how much stock to put in it but here goes:

The Broncos QB (Kyle Orton) doesn’t look like a QB, he looks like a kicker and a team can’t win with a QB who looks like a kicker.

Interesting theory and the more I look at him he does look like a kicker. We’ll see if she is right. As for the Redskins they couldn’t score on Lindsay Lohan after a gallon of Vodka and six lines of coke.

Atlanta 24 at CAROLINA 21

I’m not sold on Matt Ryan as the next Peyton Manning but Turner is dangerous (and has freakishly large legs) and the once feared Panther’s defense is now a fat, clawless house cat that is endlessly trying to cough up a hairball. The Panthers will make a game of this one though and will pile up nearly 200 yards rushing while Jake Delhomme does his best impression of Bernie from “Weekend at Bernie’s”.

Kansas City 9 at OAKLAND 13

Ugh!!! Oh god…seriously…this game is going to be like watching the Dustin “Screech” Diamond sex tape.

Seattle 20 at ARIZONA 31

The Cardinals should have never made it to the Superbowl ™ last year and definitely won’t make it this year but they’re still dangerous and the Seahawks are only dangerous to their season ticket holders. This one’s for the birds…c’mon I had to make the joke. Stop booing!

Dallas 24 at GREEN BAY 26 !!!!Upset Special!!!!

It’s November, it’s Lambeau, and Romo is due a bad game. The Packers are a team waiting to sock someone in the jaw, they have a really good quarterback, a good defense, and great wide receivers they shouldn’t suck this bad. If the Packer’s O-line can keep Rodgers from getting hit 617 (approximately) times a game this is a playoff team in waiting.

Philadelphia 23 at SAN DIEGO 31

I really like Phillip Rivers the guy simply refuses to lose in spite of having to hand the ball off to LaDamien Tomlinson’s corpse and watch Norv Turner come up with ever more creative ways to lose a game but it’s not the Chargers I want to talk about I want to talk about the Eagles. Obviously Andy Reid is an enormous, slow moving, and easy target (not to mention a dead ringer for Howard Taft) to pick on but I want to talk about an even more pressing issue…Donavan McNabb’s head. With all the stink around Barry Bonds and performance enhancing drugs how has no one noticed that McNabb’s head now has it’s own gravitational field? Now I’m not saying he’s doing HGH but when you start wearing the helmet at the end of the tunnel that the players run out of during the introduction someone should at least start asking questions.

New England 38 to INDIANOPLIS 34

The soon to be Mrs. V, a hardcore Colts fan, would kill me if she knew I made this prediction but fact is Indy shouldn’t be undefeated and the only reason they are is Peyton Manning is that damn good. I see not only Brady picking apart a depleted Colts secondary but I also see them piling up over 100 yards rushing and trying to keep Manning off the field but that won’t work, this one is going to be a shootout and will leave the Saints as the NFL’s only unbeaten team.

Now let the disagreements begin!

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