A Top Five salute to the baddest bad-ass in the movies, Mr. Clint Eastwood and his baddest-ass roles. (I had thought of naming this one “Daily Dose of Bromance Hubba-Hubba”, but then it would just get weird. Can you imagine what Floyd would post if we opened that can of worms?)
Let’s go punk:
Hah! Got you, didn’t I?!
Seriously, “Bridges of Madison County” was from Rufus’ list. Here’s mine:
#5 Bill Munny (“Unforgiven”) He’s conflicted. He’s a mean sum-bitch whose done more bad things than you can even imagine. And he’s got to live with that. But he’ll live with that guilt, so long as his woman is there to love. Er, so long as he can make a good livin raising hogs. Ah, well, maybe he’ll take one last job, but he’ll be cool, so long as nobody murders Morgan Freeman and puts his body on display.
OK. Screw it!
#4 The Preacher (“Pale Rider”) Anyone who comes back after getting shot in the back six times and can still beat the crap out of four bad guys with a hickory ax handle AND whip his new buddy’s wife and daughter into a bone-jumping frenzy is the very definition of bad-ass. Also: one bad-ass horse.
#3 Inspector Harry Callhan (“Dirty Harry” and sequals) I know, I know. Some of you are going to say that Harry should be number one. Well, I’m not putting him ahead of either a Marine or the undead. Sorry, but even the most powerful handgun in the world isn’t going to intimidate either of those guys.
That said, how bad-ass is a guy who can fire a .44 magnum – one handed – with barely a twitch of the wrist? Has anyone ever delivered more high-quality bad-ass finishing lines? Has the sneer ever been better perfected? We need Harry today more than ever. He would show those pinko, politically-correct, hand-wringing, pussies what justice looks like.
Punks.
#2 Gunnery Sgt. Tom Highway (“Heartbreak Ridge”) He survived Korea, he kicked the Swede’s ass and he detaches earrings with extreme prejudice. He’s so bad ass that he can use laundry to humiliate people. You want bad-ass? How bad-ass do you have to be to read up on how to be more sensitive? Make fun of that. Go ahead. The Gunny will roll up one of those magazines, shove it up your ass and pull it out of your throat. Without raising a sweat.
Ass-hole.
#1 The Man With No Name (“High Plains Drifter”) Back from the dead. So incredibly bad-assed that no moniker can possibly do him justice. So monsterously bad-assed that he will shoot your sorry ass while he’s getting a shave. So fabulously bad-assed that he’ll take any woman he wants, and she’ll come back, begging for more. Hell, all the men in town might as well castrate themselves for all the action they’re going to get once he rolls into town.
He’ll ride off just when you need him, just so you can understand what a miserable piece of useless crap you are, and then he’ll ride back at the last minute to save your sorry ass. He’ll make a midget the sheriff AND the mayor. He’ll take your hat. You’ve got a problem with any of that?
Didn’t think so.
Wait, where’s Josey Wales?
The man kills Yankees, and Comancheros, in such numbers that even the Comanche are impressed. He can fight one against a dozen, armed only with cap-and-ball revolvers, and whup them all. He’s bullet-proof! He even brings the booze! Also, he hates the government. What’s not to love?
Hearbreak Ridge is a classic on so many levels, whether all the unintentional comedy of Mario Van Peeples or Clint spouting bad-ass quotes left and right. And yes, AK-47s do sound like that – the movie is one of the reasons I bought one.
Haven’t watched Pale Rider in years, have to revisit that one. High Plains Drifter is fun for the whole family.
Hard to top the above, but Walt Kowalski from the second baddest-ass movie I saw this year (after Taken) deserves my mention. Roles in In the Line of Fire and the severely underrated A Perfect World rank pretty high, too.
Gotta agree with Lars – Josey Wales is a serious omission. Granted, making a list of most bad-ass Clint Eastwood characters is basically sitting down to make a list of the most bad-ass characters, period.
I would also make a case for Lt. Morris Schaffer from Where Eagles Dare, if for no other reason than he’s got the highest kill count of any Eastwood character. That’s saying something. Plus, all the dead bodies are Nazis, which should count for something.
Jake is correct by my sliding scale of death ratings Nazi deaths count as 1.6833 normal deaths surpassed only by zombies (1.78879), lawyers (1.9354), and hippies (3,019.9756).
What about Illinois Nazis?
I HATE Illinois Nazis.
Huh – I had calculated that zombies would actually be somewhere around .57784 (they’re already dead). Maybe we’re working off different raw data here. But I support the rest of your conclusions.
Related, I’d also have to wonder where “punks” fit on this scale, a question that would obviously be of some import in this discussion.
If so, Jake, then I wonder if we would have to reconsider the badass quotient of a certain character heretofore always considered too cold, unemotional, and aloof.
Hey, I’ve got no problem with that – cold, calculating and unemotional is pretty bad ass in my book. And just for the record, I’d put “punks” at about 1.85. Generally less irritating than hippies, less destructive than lawyers, but still a nuisance that should be eradicated. With extreme prejudice, or something.
Sorry Eric. The Sliding Scale of Death (which sounds like a badass amusement park ride) does not include geographic variables.
I was going to bitch and moan about the omission of Josie Wales – particularly when you’ve got an uninspired choice on there like “Heartbreak Ridge” – but I see the others beat me to it. Well done, guys. Keep him honest.
He is so badass that he still heats up every female friend I have and he is 78 years old. One of my favorites is “Two Mules for Sister Sara.” Shirley MacLaine doesn’t give me much to like (in this movie or anything else) but boy does Clint – in the bath tub with his boots on? Hubba Hubba.
They’re going to remake that movie, with Leonardo di Caprio and Natalie Portman. And Natalie won’t be a nun, she’ll be a tibetan buddhist monk.
Shut Up!
Please tell me that you are yanking our chains.
Aargh! Philistines! I hope you made that up, Mr. Sideous. I think I am going to be ill. One more thing – I think there is not near enough Lee Van Cleef mentions in pop culture these days.
JohnFN, Pale Rider doesn’t hold up as well as you’d think. Back when I saw it in the theaters, I was so happy to see a good ol’ fashioned western again that I loved it. Coupla years ago, I realized that it doesn’t hold a candle to Shane (which it rips off big time).
Nevertheless, the character of the Preacher himself still does belong on this list. Badass.
I also liked the mention of Lt. Morris Schaffer from Where Eagles Dare, although his badassery there is rather understated. It’s almost like he’s so steeped in badassness, American style, that he’s been sent over to the UK to observe on the latest developments in British badassity. His ongoing bemusement (as indicated by his ever so slightly raised eyebrow) as Richard Burton kills the latest Nazi never fails to crack me up.
Broadsword calling Danny Boy.
I was disappointed in Pale Rider too. The parts just didn’t come together somehow.
I liked Pale Rider. A little goofy in parts, but Moriarty and Eastwood did a great job. And the Marshal at the end looks like the Marlboro Man from Hell.
Eastwood always had a good look in his westerns. The towns really look some clapboard jerry rigged buildings in the middle of nowhere. And the people look as if they actually live there, and not in the air conditioned trailers out of camera shot.
Speaking of Pale Rider the girl that played the daughter in there looked as though she was going to grow up to be, in Japanese gameshow speak, Super-Happy-Terrific Hot. Whatever happened to her?
Indeedy – http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1481546496/nm0001607
I loved Gunny Highway…between Gunny Highway and Serg. Hartmann in Full Metal you have the USMC….
I have to stick up for his older persona and all us older guys in general. I thought he was tough as nails, and sensitive at the same time in Gran Torino. And yes, I am very secure in my manhood, lest that become the question of the week.
Hell,I like The Gauntlet
Josey Wales may have the greatest Eastwood quote of all time:
“Dyin’ ain’t much of a livin’, boy.”
I don’t know what movie my favorite Eastwood quote comes from, but here it is:
“Never trust a man who wears suspenders with a belt. The man doesn’t even trust his own pants.”
Not an Eastwood movie, Rufus. That’s from “Once Upon a Time in the West.” Bronson and Fonda.
Surprised nobody has mentioned, his character in “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” as well as “Fist Full of Dollars” and “For a Few Dollars More”…some pretty badass stuff in those movies. In “Hang Em High” his character survives a lynch mob and then recovers to hunt them down and kill them one by one.
You may be right, Outlaw, but I’m not sure. He calls him The Man With No Name, which is the character from those movies, in #1, but he applies it to “High Plains Drifter,” which was just *a* man with no name.
Confusing.
He was called “Blondie” by “the Ugly” Eli Wallach in The Good the Bad and… And I think he went by the name Carson as an alias in one of the earlier films. But that is the ultimate trilogy for a rainy Saturday.
“Carson” was somebody else in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. But he was called Joe Manco in (I think) For a Few Dollars More. The “Man With No Name” thing was something the promotional people came up with, but it’s the Official Designation (TM) for the hero of the Sergio Leone trilogy.
Yeah, your right. Maybe Carson clued them to the gold. I gotta watch them again.
You’re right, “Bill Carson” is the dying guy in the runaway wagon, who knows the location of the gold.
I’ve always read that “Joe” and “Manco,” the two names Eastwood’s character is called in For a Few Dollars More, are just nicknames. “Joe” as just a standard nickname for an unknown man (ie “GI Joe”) and Manco, loosely translated Italian for “the one-handed,” because Eastwood does everything with his left hand, as to always leave his right hand free for gunplay.
It’s particularly evident in his opening scene, dealing cards and judo choppin’ with just his left.
Re-watched Gran Torino and if you don’t list that performance in an Eastwood Top Five, you sir or madam, are a
racistage-ist.