Sexy beast
Frequent Threedonia commenter Fritz just sent this my way. Please direct all complaints his way.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32..50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom : toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night..
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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I really want to comment on this, but I’m afraid to.
And I don’t even have a wife.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals
A man avoids all those social gatherings that don’t have a free bar.
I believe this is from an old Dave Barry column.
Welcome to Threedonia, Jeff! Glad to see you in the comments.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ouch. I’m not sure who is in more trouble here, Fritz for submitting it or Rufus for publishing it.
Ok, I might have to turn in my official Woman Membership Card but I not only find this post funny but very true. Maybe it’s because I was a tomboy. I hate shopping unless it’s for books or movies. I will not carry a purse unless absolutely necessary – if I can’t jam it into my pockets then I don’t need it. I don’t trust most women I know and would rather have a conversation with a guy about football than a woman about clothes or makeup. I like the Stooges and think farts are funny. Yes, my husband thinks he is lucky because I don’t care about jewelry or expect something for Valentine’s Day. Truth be told, I am the one who is lucky.
I will not carry Mrs. Firefly’s purse, nor will I look at its contents, or put my hand into it. When we are traveling I will carry every article of luggage, anything, to avoid carrying her purse. With infant children, and strollers, and suitcases and diaper bags I have sometimes gone to ridiculous lengths to honor this pledge to myself, but I simply refuse. I’m not sure what I think is in her purse, or why it would be wrong to see it, but that has always been a taboo for me.
Rufus,thanks for sharing your Christmas card picture!
Very funny, wise guy!
And how do you know if you really love a woman?You’ll go shopping with her(well,once,at least)!
I was trying to be a good fiance, and accompany Miss Firefly as we registered for our wedding. After about 60 minutes of her trying to decide between two different dish patterns I finally let my exasperation show and said, “Look, this is much more important to you than it is to me so you should make the decision on your own. Five minutes after we leave this store I won’t remember which one we chose and after five years of eating off of these plates every day you can ask me what pattern they are, and I still won’t be able to tell you.”
That seemed to register with her and we’ve been good ever since. My paycheck gets direct deposited in the account. She buys stuff.
dr zoon will shop with me, but one night while I was looking for a swimsuit, he got in trouble. He was really tired, sat down on the floor next to the wall, and fell asleep. Security was called.
I don’t like to shop much and it helps when he’s there to make me laugh during it, so he goes with when he can.
I kinda/sorta enjoy grocery shopping, but Mrs. Firefly prefers to come along. When I go alone she claims I take forever, and she’s right.
Yes, men do take longer to grocery shop, but the cards are stacked against you. Grocery stores are *not* laid out logically and they move things all the time. For most women this is not a problem, since it’s how we do our houses too, but it’s really not fair for men.
Mrs. Firefly laughs at me, because she has the aisles memorized, and I go in and out, up and down, over and around the entire store several times when trying to complete her list. But the main delay is my getting distracted. I’ll see things on the shelf, wonder what it’s used for, and start reading the label. And, I’m always amazed at how cheap many things are, so I’ll stop and stare at prices for awhile.
Us single men don’t have that problem since we shop in the grocery store just as often as women do, if not more (depends if you’re a weekly shopper or shop every couple of days like me).
i was merely resting my eyes, mr. mall cop
Searching for a displaced contact lens.
I have a standing rule of never looking in a woman’s purse.
CW, I’m with you. I don’t get along with most women, I’ve learned over the years, but generally don’t trust em much. I had a friend ask once if my husband was sad that I didn’t do hair and makeup once we got married (she only knew me after marriage). I laughed because during all of our dating and engagement, I worked outside with children all day. Hair and makeup weren’t an option when you are playing football in 100 + degree temps and taking 40 children swimming. I kept my nails short and they usually had playdough under them. He didn’t have to buy me an engagement ring though. I asked him not to since I knew he was poor and I couldn’t wear the darn thing at work anyway without fear. He did get me a ring later when I had an office job and we had a little money.
I do however love getting a little something for Valentines and don’t watch much sports, I’d rather be playing.
My only problem with these things is that men come off sounding a little dopey, especially in the last one. All the rest fit my husband, and it is my job to be the information and scheduling person, but he is involved and in some ways better at handling the information than I am.
Since my purse often doubles as the diaper bag (hey, I had 5 under 4 and all still in diapers, YOU try it), dr zoon has gotten over not going through it.
though i still need to crack the code on your wallet filing system. don’t get me wrong, it’s well organized, but my man-genes are as stymied by it as the grocery store.