Could “Pirates 4″ be an improvement over 2 and 3? Yahoo Entertainment posted a report this weekend stating Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley were both off the project, leaving it to Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush. The two were the main focus of the first, and by far, the best film of the franchise. Bloom and Knightley, the youthful actors of the moment, gradually took more face time in the sequels and the films suffered greatly as a result.
Knightley and Bloom declared some amicable reasoning for not being part of the fourth film, but the truth behind the absence is revealed by the working title: “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Strange Tides,” based on a fictional pirate work already released (one of our erudite commenters made mention of this work during an earlier “Pirates 4″ post). Essentially, Disney is taking the book and reworking it to fit under the “Pirates” umbrella.
But kicking Bloom and Knightley aside wasn’t always the plan. Due to some journalistic legwork by myself, I have unearthed several of Disney’s former working titles for the new “Pirates” film.
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Perfect Strangers – Who needs Captain Jack, when we have Deep Purple? In a quest to make the fourth Pirates longer, Disney adds Deep Purple to the stage, playing aboard a floating pirate ship and cranking out the 18-hour concert version of “Child In Time.” The organ immediately melts Orlando Bloom’s face. No one notices a missing Jack Sparrow once Ritchie Blackmore enters the set, leaving many to wonder if anyone has ever seen the two in the same place at once.
2. Pirates of the Caribbean: Stranger Danger – Roman Polanski celebrates his return to American shores by taking the helm of the blockbuster franchise. Things go down hill when Polanski begins trolling local elementary schools in a white cargo van, and is subsequently arrested for propositioning a 12-year-old girl. “Hey little girl, get in the van and I’ll give you some candy.” Outrage spreads, until news leaks that Polanski had actually propositioned Orlando Bloom.
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Strange Brew – Chaos reigns when a power-hungry and drunken Rick Moranis appears on set. He’s given the boot when he mistakes Keira Knightley for a curling broom.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Phantom Menace – George Lucas buys the “Pirates” franchise from Disney, then immediately sets upon creation of a prequel trilogy. A young Jack Sparrow is played by Dakota Fanning and Ewan McGregor returns as Obi Wan Kenobi, then kills himself. Lucas becomes terminally depressed when he learns that 1700s pirates didn’t sail in space.
5. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Ted’s Chest – Jack Sparrow must contend with the drunken ghost of Ted Kennedy, who curses the pirate to eternity in a feminist literary think tank if he doesn’t rescue his former Senate seat from the hands of the Republicans. Scott Brown is played by Scott Brown, Jimmy Carter plays Barack Obama and Catherine Kennedy plays Martha Coakley.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Leach’s Revenge
Former Texas Tech football coach sails the Seven Seas in search of Dork James (lazy scoundrel wannabe football player) and his father Weasel James. Once found, they will be forced to walk the plank in retribution for destroying Leach’s football dynasty, along with killing the spirit of Red Raider Nation.
Pirates of the Carribean: Samantha’s Island Hopping Adventure
Travel Channel’s sexy Samantha Brown joins Jack Sparrow on the Black Pearl for a trip around the Carribean.
Pirates of The Carribean: James Cameron’s Flop
James Cameron takes the helm and it flops (he’s bound to make one someday) and the expenditures force Disney World into bankruptcy and they turn to a government bailout. Declaring them too much fun (and big) too fail, Obama grants them a bailout and Disneyland becomes Obamaland, where all your dreams are handled by a government worker who crushes them in huge amounts of bureaucratic paperwork. 2 years later, however, Redneck Extremist Teabaggers nuke the place, claiming the lines were too long.
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Pirates is back, with a plot convoluted than before.
Pirates of the Carribean: Attack of the Ninjas
It has to be made eventually.
Air Pirates of the US Treasury:Nancy Pelosi and a cast of thousands(Congressmen and their spouses,children,pets,au pairs,chias)hijack 5 military airplanes to fly to frigid Copenhagen for global warming farce…
Pirates of the Carribean: Lost in Translation.
Scarlett Johansson gives Keira Knightly a run for her money as a saucy pirate’s wench in an otherwise dull and pointless film. Oh, yeah, Bill Murry’s in it, too.
With the fourth entry they through everything in the blender in an attempt for one massive summer smoothy. What we get is:
Caribbean Pirates and the Crystal Phantom Menace
Calypso creates a time storm, flinging Jack Sparrow and Barbossa centuries into the future where they run into Will Turner who now captains a very modern Flying Dutchman – a massive black warship that is floating death to all that run into her. Turner’s love for Elizabeth turned sour when she died from the Pox. Ever since her death Turner has been the terror of the high seas.
Jack & Barbossa wrestle control of the Flying Dutchman from Turner. Calypso shows up again and sends our crew back in time where they meet up with crystal skulled aliens using mechanical beasts to build pyramids on land and beneath the sea that will enslave all of humanity.
This fourth entry in the Pirates series, ends when Calypso sends the ship into the future, only after transforming the Flying Dutchman into a space-worthy vessel. Jack, Barbossa, Will, and Elizabeth (who they saved with the miracle of modern medicine) watch in wonder as a group of space dolphins gracefully ’swim’ off into the stars while earth explodes behind them.
I forgot to mention that it’s in 3-D.