Caribbean Pirates and the Crystal Phantom Menace

Calypso creates a time storm, flinging Jack Sparrow and Barbossa centuries into the future where they run into Will Turner who now captains a very modern Flying Dutchman – a massive black warship that is floating death to all that run into her. Turner’s love for Elizabeth turned sour when she died from the Pox. Ever since her death Turner has been the terror of the high seas.

Jack & Barbossa wrestle control of the Flying Dutchman from Turner. Calypso shows up again and sends our crew back in time where they meet up with crystal skulled aliens using mechanical beasts to build pyramids on land and beneath the sea that will enslave all of humanity.

This fourth entry in the Pirates series, ends when Calypso sends the ship into the future, only after transforming the Flying Dutchman into a space-worthy vessel. Jack, Barbossa, Will, and Elizabeth (who they saved with the miracle of modern medicine) watch in wonder as a group of space dolphins gracefully ‘swim’ off into the stars while earth explodes behind them.

Scarlett Johansson gives Keira Knightly a run for her money as a saucy pirate’s wench in an otherwise dull and pointless film. Oh, yeah, Bill Murry’s in it, too.

Pirates of The Carribean: James Cameron’s Flop
James Cameron takes the helm and it flops (he’s bound to make one someday) and the expenditures force Disney World into bankruptcy and they turn to a government bailout. Declaring them too much fun (and big) too fail, Obama grants them a bailout and Disneyland becomes Obamaland, where all your dreams are handled by a government worker who crushes them in huge amounts of bureaucratic paperwork. 2 years later, however, Redneck Extremist Teabaggers nuke the place, claiming the lines were too long.

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Pirates is back, with a plot convoluted than before.

Pirates of the Carribean: Attack of the Ninjas
It has to be made eventually.

Former Texas Tech football coach sails the Seven Seas in search of Dork James (lazy scoundrel wannabe football player) and his father Weasel James. Once found, they will be forced to walk the plank in retribution for destroying Leach’s football dynasty, along with killing the spirit of Red Raider Nation.