(Today’s threedonia mailbag day. I recently got an e-mail from another, avid reader who asked for some tips regarding the fairer sex. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’ll share my e-mail reply (with his name excised) here in this post. I’m very interested in your opinions (please spout off in the comments), and I’m sure he is also. Did I get it right? What did I miss? Being a blatantly hetero-sexual male it’s hard for me to look at this from a woman’s perspective. What advice would you ladies have for a gal who wants to ask a guy out?)
(Now, keep in mind I’ve been exceedingly happily married for almost 2 decades, so it’s been a long, long time since I’ve used any of these tactics, but I nabbed the Lovely Mrs. Firefly, so I am living proof this stuff works.)
Now, this first one is going to sound a bit corny, but it really is true, and I genuinely believe it’s the single most important factor to being liked by the opposite sex, meeting members of the opposite sex that are a good fit for you, and being happy.
Know yourself and like yourself.
Sounds simple, but it’s actually quite hard. Think about folks you know. How many seem truly happy? How many are happy with themselves? Most are probably obsessed with some imperfection (if I only had different hair, weighed less/ more, had bigger muscles, were taller/shorter, smarter, richer…). Can you be alone with yourself and have a good time, or are you constantly looking for distractions; video games, TV, movies, Internet, alcohol? Those things all have their place, but you need to be comfortable with yourself, and who you are, and you should be able to be alone with yourself with no distractions and be happy. It’s such a simple, obvious thing, yet so few people focus on it.
What are the odds you will meet someone who is a good fit for you if you don’t even know who you are? How many divorced couples do you know who claim their partner changed, or their partner turned out to be someone different than they thought they knew? Every once in awhile you’ll meet a pathological liar who intentionally and consciously misrepresents herself, but for the most part, when these things happen it’s because you are attracting people who are not like you. Why does that happen? People don’t even know who they are themselves.
Now, this dovetails very nicely with the next bit of advice: Be confident.
Get out some of your old class pictures from High School. You’ll see a bunch of young kids. And, you’re now far enough removed from those ages to look at them objectively, purely physically. You’ll notice in most cases there is very little physical difference between most of them. Now, think about which kids were popular. Which kids were the members of the opposite sex attracted to? Try to find something physical about those kids that caused that attraction. In most cases you won’t. Now, think about their personalities. I’ll bet you most were outgoing, comfortable, relaxed… Confident! Girls and women are attracted to strength, but not necessarily physical strength. On the contrary, many women don’t particularly like muscular men, but almost all women are attracted to men who appear in control and confident. They won’t always admit that. Many don’t even know it about themselves, but confidence is the most powerful aphrodisiac out there.
Think of males who are considered very desirable in our current culture; Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Zac Efron, Tom Cruise, Sean Connery, Ashton Kutcher, Dane Cook… What do they all have in common? Confidence. Some are athletic, some are brainy, some are goofy, some are sleight, some are old, some are young, but every one of them is confident.
The two are tied together. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the better you know yourself, the more confident you will become. The more confident you become, the more folks will be attracted to you. And don’t fake it! Plenty of guys fake it, and that works with some girls, far too many girls, but in the long run faking it will backfire. Take your time and get it right.
Next, be funny, or at least fun. John Belushi, Chris Farley, Woody Allen (when he was young)… None of those guys was going to win a Mr. Universe pageant and every one of those guys could get any gal he wanted. Women love to laugh (at least the non-uptight ones do, and you don’t want to waste your time on the uptight ones). I know, this is a lot easier said than done. You can’t just decide to be funny and the next minute you are, but focus on this and you’ll get better at it. When you’re in a group tell some jokes, look for situations to be clever. Learn to be good at breaking the ice. In all social gatherings there are periods of awkward silence. The guy who can fill that silence with something clever is the guy who will get the gal.
Something else that is important; style. You’ve got to have a style. Women are attracted to external things; clothes, hair… Establish a style and learn it, get good at it. This also has a double benefit. The better you get at style the more attractive you’ll appear AND, the more likely it is that you’ll attract women that are a good fit for you. A goth gal probably isn’t going to be happy with a lumberjack guy. Women pay a lot of attention to fashion and they make a lot of judgments based on it. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to care about fashion. There are many men who don’t care about that stuff, and that’s a style too. The casual, beat up blue jeans, t-shirt and flannel shirt is a style. It’s an “I don’t care about fashion” style and plenty of girls like that too. But, if you’re not putting forth an external appearance that is consistent with who you are you are much less likely to attract women that you would like. Again, it’s confidence and knowing yourself. Style is an external depiction of those inner things. It’s literally wearing your attitude on your sleeve. We all get forced into social situations that require a form of dress we are not comfortable in. When you are in those situations how confident do you feel? Not very. If I had to go to a country dance bar dressed like a regular I’d sit and hide in a corner. It would be obvious I was uncomfortable. Yet, there are guys who can wear cowboy boots and a hat and a WWF belt buckle and be completely at ease. And the country dance bar gals will pick them out in a New York minute. So find some stuff you’re comfortable with and stick with that whenever possible.
With that out of the way, let’s get down to the stuff you really came here for; the secret, stealth, Ninja tricks to getting girls to go out with you. The short cuts, so you don’t have to waste time on all that “getting to know yourself” nonsense.
Here is the single, best trick to getting a girl to go out with you. The one thing most guys fail to do. The trick that always works. It is infallible, yet most are unable to even try it, let alone master it:
Ask her to do something with you.
Yep. Ask her out. That’s it. What do you have to lose? If she says no, then you won’t go out with her. Well, she’s not going out with you now, so how’s that any different? But she might say yes. And then you’ve succeeded. You literally have nothing to lose. Yet, most guys miss this one. Have you ever seen a great looking gal with a not so great looking guy and wondered how a guy like that got a gal like that? I’ll tell you. He asked her. He asked her and the other guys didn’t.
If I came up to you and said, “Here’s a lottery ticket. Someone who has one of these tickets will get $1 million and the tickets cost $0. Do you want one?” Of course you’d say yes. Well, here’s a girl. She’s going to go out with someone who asks her out. She is not going to go out with someone who does not ask her out. It costs $0 to ask her out. Why not ask her out?!
I know, I know… rejection. Rejection sucks, and fear of rejection is probably greater than fear of fire, or drowning. It can stop a grown man dead in his tracks. The vast majority of us live our lives less optimally than we should because we were afraid of hearing the word “No” at some point. We didn’t apply to that school, or try out for that band, or join that team, or ask that gal or guy out, or interview for that job… Well, do you want to wake up one day, at the age of 30, 40, 50, wondering “what if?” As a guy who is closer to 50 than 40 I can assure you that you do not. No regrets, my man! Make a deal with yourself that you are not going to have regrets in your life.
A “no regrets” attitude has a double payoff. If you live that way you won’t suffer from the “what if’s.” You’ll know. Sometimes the answer will be “No.” Sometimes you’ll interview and not get the job. Sometimes you’ll try out for the band and not get a callback. Sometimes you’ll ask a girl out and get a cold shoulder. But you’ll know! Knowledge is power! Knowing the answer is “No,” is ten times better than wallowing in uncertainty, frozen in your tracks, unable to move on. And, here’s the second, huge benefit. Remember all that stuff about “confidence” and “knowing yourself?” Well, the more you live with a “no regrets” attitude the more confident you’ll become and the more you’ll know and like yourself. Knowing if the answer is “yes” or “no” helps you learn, and the more you learn the more you’ll understand who you are.
Every autobiography you read, every interview you watch, there is a common theme among the successful. They all relish the mistakes they have made, credit them for their success and wish they had made more of them. Older folks don’t just say that because it makes them appear humble. It’s the truth. As you age, and look back on your life you never regret the chances you took. It’s the chances you didn’t take that you regret. Nobody lies on his deathbed thinking, “I should have tried fewer things. I should have asked fewer gals out when I was young. I should have interviewed for fewer jobs, taken fewer courses…” It’s “Harold and Maude.” “Get busy living, or get busy dying.” Well, what is life? You feel most alive when you throw yourself in difficult, uncomfortable situations. You feel least alive when you are not pushing your comfort zone, taking risks…
And the more you try and fail, or are rejected, the better you’ll get at trying and asking and not worrying. You’ll conquer your fear of rejection! What would a guy who is not afraid of rejection look like? Confident! A man or woman who is not afraid of failure or rejection oozes confidence and what does confidence get you? A lot less rejection! You can get into the pool by jumping off the high dive, or sneaking in, on that little ladder in the shallow end. I don’t know about you, but I’ve only got one ride on this big, blue marble and I’m takin’ the high dive.
Now, finally, the most important, and super-secret piece of advice. This one is so powerful you have to promise me you’ll keep it under wraps. This one is 100% guaranteed to work. This is the key, central insight into the inner workings of the female psyche:
If you want women to be attracted to you then start dating women. Women are most attracted to guys who date women. Nothing succeeds like success. When women see a guy out with a gal, a gal who is having fun, they are instantly drawn to that guy. If you’re looking to hire a guide to take you out fishing and you see two guides coming in at the end of the day, one with a stringer full of fish and one empty handed, who are you going to hire? Women are attracted to a man that they know other women want. It’s a short-cut. “He must be alright ‘cause she’s out with him.” Women are suspect of a man that other women do not want. “Must be something wrong with him, or he’d have a gal on his arm.” And a guy on a date with a gal appears confident. There’s that confidence thing again, the biggest aphrodisiac out there. You don’t have to look good. You don’t have to have a BMI of 20 or six-pack abs. You don’t have to be a millionaire.
You’ve just got to like yourself, exude some confidence and, most importantly, ASK!
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I’ve had the hardest time convincing my roommate that having a sense of style is important when it comes to meeting and dating. He thinks matching makes you a metrosexual. His attitude is that he doesn’t want to be with a girl who notices his clothes, but that is every girl. Noticing a guys style doesn’t make a girl shallow, and having one is a great way of showing a girl that you care about how you look and how you present yourself to people.
I have found that having a unique style is a great way to break the ice with a girl. Since getting the first conversation started with a girl was always the biggest hurdle for me having a sense of style gave me the confidence I needed.
Sad but true but I didn’t ask a girl out until I was 22, I’d always been asked out prior to that, and it took me 4 hours of hanging around where she worked to muster the nerve. Four hours!!! When I finally asked her out she laughed and said “I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever ask. Of course I’ll go” after that it was easy. The first time I got rejected was when I was 25 and I was at a show at a local place called Caffeine. A girl who had been hanging around me all night talking easily etc so I asked her out, turned out she had a boyfriend so it was a no. Strange thing happened. Even after she said no I was still breathing.
Though in the interest of full disclosure the Future Mrs. V asked me out multiple times before I said yes and still gives me crap about not wanting to go out with her.
From all I’ve observed, this is entirely correct. And unutterably depressing.
Taking the first plunge and asking a girl out was always a big deal for me. At first it was about the potential rejection. After I started dating a little more frequently and built up my confidence it then became about the pressure of dating and living up to that person’s standards. There were times, especially in college, when I choose not to ask someone out just because I didn’t want to have to deal with the expectation afterwards. I was having too much fun being single and not having to deal with the pressure of being in a relationship. A lot of my friends just asked out girls because they knew the girl would say yes and it was something to do. I was like that for a little while but then decided it was better to wait for someone I liked enough that I looked forward to the dating relationship and the challenge of being what that other person is looking for.
Wow. I’m a sucker. Zoon had little to no confidence, absolutely no style and *has* changed a lot in all our years together, for the better.
What attracted me to him? He was funny, he had a great loud laugh that went all the way to his eyes, he was smart but also had a teachable heart and he loved Jesus. Unfortunately in that order and something I will encourage my children to reverse.
While all that stuff helps Rufus, I do believe there is a bit of luck/fate/ordination in the equation too. We had met a year before we met the second time and were NOT impressed. The second time zoon and I met, our issues meshed perfectly. He was looking for someone to save and I was an emotional disaster area. Outside grace and a strong belief that divorce will not be a solution, there’s no reason we’re still married.
I’ll have to read through your stuff again and see if I can come up with anything more than that’s not how it worked for me.
Tracy,
There is nothing better than luck/fate/ordination. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to tell anyone how to get those things, so this is what I was left with. When people ask me how to have a successful marriage I tell them, “It’s easy. Marry Mrs. Firefly.” I’m not a big believer in destiny when it comes to romance but there is no question in either my, or her mind that our meeting was destined to be. It was way too unlikely and timely.
And I’ll bet Zoon had confidence. Confidence doesn’t have to mean Tom Cruise. Lots of “nebbish” guys have confidence. Think of Dick Cavett, Woody Allen, even Jon Stewart of the Daily Show. I have played music in public before. I can manage to do it when part of an ensemble, but playing solo, with no other musicians around? That takes confidence I don’t have and Doc Zoon can do that.
But we are not all the same. I still contend that there is no substitute for knowing yourself. Without luck it’s very hard to find someone who is a good fit for you if you don’t know who you are. Most of us want to take a short cut, and not bother with that step. We’d rather have the person we meet take care of that part for us, but that’s a huge risk. Best to figure yourself out first.
The guys you listed Zac Efron? HUH? Back in the 80′s it was Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Harrison Ford, etc. The girls I knew and the women I know now want real men. No one would ever EVER CONFUSE Ashton Kusher or George Clooney with a manly man.
My advice, ask him out. the worst he can do is say no and if you are willing to ask him out that means that you already know him well enough to gage how he will react.
To guys drop the metrosexual garp PLEASE! Its WRONG WRONG WRONG! Act like men, be strong, be confident, be the guy…not a doufuss. Women will throw themselves at you. Trust me.
Stephanie,
I have no business arguing with a woman about what men are attractive, but I will contend that confidence is very important. When I think of men who have been sex symbols in my lifetime there are guys like David Cassidy and Andy Gibb in that list. Guys who couldn’t string two push-ups together and will spend more time fixing their hair in the morning than you will. And look at John Belushi or Bill Murray. Both clowns, but both very attractive to a lot of women.
Not all women are attracted to the same type of guy; some like strong, some like chubby, some like short/tall, dark/light… whatever. But the one thing I’ve noticed is if a guy or gal exudes confidence that’s always a winner. Maybe not with 100% of the prospective crowd, but I know of no one, single trait that works better. Think of Bill Murray and Rick Moranis. Both very funny. Both very talented. Both wealthy. Bill Murray has a bad hairline and bad complexion but I’ll bet he could win over 80% of the girls he wants if given 15 minutes. Rick Moranis would need a few days to win over 20%. When Bill Murray enters a room he takes over.
Think of Paul Newman? The guy was about 5’7″ but when he’s on screen, or in a room, he is the focus of attention. It’s probably impossible to codify, but the more of it you got, the wider you can cast your net.
I would counter Ashton Kutcher exudes immaturity and little boyness rather than masculine confidence. Drew Brees and a Navy SEAL I know exude masculine confidence. My husband does….Ashton Kutcher is more like my 30 year old nephew…when he was 10.
“Ashton Kutcher is more like my 30 year old nephew…when he was 10.”
Great line Stephanie.
Rufus,
Thanks for the advice. I have found myself back out on the market after being married for 11 years. I actually have started seeing someone with whom I actually have a lot in common – conservative, Orthodox Christian, loves books & bookstores, has a college degree in English. I’m hoping it works out.
I got to tell you that confidence thing is probably my biggest issue. Nothing like that massive amounts of anxiety about not screwing up, saying or doing the wrong thing to twist the guts into knots & make me second guess everything.
Nothing like being out “on the market” again to make a guy feel like he’s right back in high school wondering if he can ratchet up enough nerve to kiss the girl.
Am I divulging to much info? hmmm …
Confidence is a must in all aspects of life if you want to be successful at anything, including getting a woman to say yes to a date. Women and children have X-Men-like powers and can smell the confidence level of a man thirty-two feet away. If a woman catches the scent of a confidence void within a man, even though he may be good looking and well-mannered, she’ll think to set him up with one of her dumpy friends rather than bag him for herself. If students pick up that same scent from a male teacher it’s Village of the Damned meets Lord of the Flies, and then it’s goodbye Mr. Chips.
Guys, never go out with meeting a woman in mind. You won’t find one. Go out to be with your friends, because that’s why women go out. Men look more confident when they’re having a good time and not looking pathetically desperate around the room for the double x’s. When you do find yourself bumping elbows with a hottie at the bar, be friendly and polite, but don’t start up any major conversation with her. Have a quick laugh or share a bit of small talk and then spend your energy on your friend(s) next to you. Once she realizes that you’re not there for the meat market she’ll start thinking how refreshing it is that you aren’t harassing her. Then she’ll be intrigued as to why she’s not getting that attention from you and start to wonder why. After all, she knows she’s a hottie. Next, her self-confidence will take a slight dip as your inattention fills her mind with scenarios as to why you’re not hitting on her. Her curiosity causes her elbow to make its way over to yours with little nudges, until your elbow is practically giving hers piggy back rides. This of course is her way of creating an ice breaker, so she can apologize for her elbow Olympics. Once that’s done, she’s gabbing with you like one of her fillings is a chip of the Blarney Stone. Then you’re in like Flint.
When you’re young your confidence makes you approach the girl, but later on it makes them approach you.
Go up to her say hi, make small talk, ask her out. All she cna do is say no. Same thing for women. Women usually ask guys they have known a little while out though…I have noticed.
“If students pick up that same scent from a male teacher it’s Village of the Damned meets Lord of the Flies, and then it’s goodbye Mr. Chips.”
Brilliat line.
All of you talk too much.
If being well-dressed is the sign of the metrosexual, then Bogart, Cagney, Gable, Grant, Raft and Tracy were all metrosexuals. I could expand the list almost infinitly. Being dressed well simply means having a good grasp of societal norms and expectations and adapting to those (which would also be signs of good prospects in life); perhaps it is being over-dressed that marks a man as a metrosexual, or possibly being overly concerned about one’s appearance. ‘Sides, we all know that “every girl’s crazy ’bout a well-dressed man.”
RES,
It is how one dresses that marks one as a metrosexual.
Metrosexual attire was displayed in the South Park episode about QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY.
Rufus,
First, you have earned big points with me with the reference to “Harold and Maude.” I agree with everything you said. The times in my life when I dated duds, I had a negative outlook on things/bad attitude. When I met my future husband, I was the happiest I had ever been doing what I loved. I think you put out positive or negative energy based on your attitude/mindset and attract people accordingly. It’s a good thing I wised up, because I love my husband more this our 7th year than the 1st. Speaking of films, one of my favorite lines from “Say Anything” sums up what I think most women are looking for in a relationship – “Don’t be a guy, be a man. The world is full of guys.”
Matt,
You nailed it!
Karen L.,
I absolutely agree. To paraphrase Matt, “women and kids can smell it a mile away.” And I do think there are folks who are attracted to the opposite, because they subconsciously know people in those states can be taken advantage of. If you’re not happy with yourself… if you’re not comfortable with yourself… if you’re not confident… lay low. Fix yourself first.
It’s a tremendous irony, but when you least need someone, or care about finding someone, that’s when it is most likely to happen. It’s just as Matt wrote. Desperation is not an attractive quality in a man or a woman.
I want to be clear about one thing:
I wrote about confidence and I gave examples like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. Confidence doesn’t have to be swagger, or cockiness. William Buckley was a tremendously confident man and I don’t think anyone was ever concerned about getting in a barroom brawl with him.
Confidence is knowing yourself. Having distinct morals and ethics. Knowing your limitations, and, mostly, not being afraid to live life according to what you believe. Are there situations when I feel uncomfortable and my adrenaline starts pumping and I’m not sure what the outcome will be? Sure, but when I’m in those situations I’m confident I will behave according to “who I am.”
You can be bookish and shy and be confident. You can be reserved and quiet and be confident. I suppose you can even be scared and be confident, just as long as you over-ride your fears and stand your ground. That’s why I used examples like Dane Cook and Ashton Kutcher. I don’t find either guy funny, nor particularly talented, but they earn a living being goofy and still come across as confident. Look at Jerry Lewis. A world class goofball, but full of confidence. You can be a clown and be confident, you can be a bookworm and be confident, you can be a jazz pianist and be confident, you can be an Army aviator and be confident and you can be a librarian and be confident.
You realize there’s a Catch-22 here, don’t you, Rufus? You’re saying you can be both “shy” and “confident,” or “scared” and “confident.” But you also say you mustn’t fake it. If you’re scared, trying to be confident, you’re faking it. And, as you note, women can tell you’re faking it, and it doesn’t work.
Which is the story of my life.
I’m not looking for an answer here, by the way. My fate was sealed long ago.
Lars,
I do realize it sounds contradictory, but I don’t think it is. To use a silly analogy, think of those Don Knotts movies where’s he’s scared to death, but still stands his ground and ultimately wins out. He always gets a hot gal by the end of the picture. Sure, that’s Hollywood, but there is some truth there. You can be shy and be confident. I’m not good at being scared, so I can’t speak much about that, but I’m willing to believe you can be scared and confident too. Maybe Indiana Jones is a good example. There are plenty of times in those films where he is scared, but he keeps going. Confidence.
I’m late to this thread and far too lazy to read the other comments BUT I agree with what Rufus just said about the Don Knotts Effect. Or think of it as the Bob Hope Schnook Whammy who gets the girl despite his bumbling. Woody Allen also did this well in his early years before he got way too creepy and his films became lousy.
Wouldn’t that be bravery; standing one’s ground in the face of fear? In that case, it is a sense of purpose, not a sense of self, that drives you.
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