Another true story from my dysfunctional past, this one involving the first time that I didn’t have sex.
I was getting busy with my girlfriend on the bench seat of my fabulous 1969 Nova. Plenty of room to not only have sex, but to have dinner afterward with four of your closest friends. I loved that car.
So it got to that point where, you know – you KNEW it was going to happen. Nothing was said, but nothing needed to be said. “Omigod, omigod, omigod – I’m gonna get laid – and somebody else is involved!” I thought. How cool is that?
Condoms? Pah! I understood the theory of eggs and sperms and all that stuff, and I was a pretty intelligent guy, but at THAT moment? Condoms were for losers, and in appoximately five seconds I would be a loser no more!
So, I gets into the proscribed position, move in for the kill and…
Nothing.
“That’s odd,” I thought. Tried again. And…
Still nothing.
What the hell? It’s like she erected a Jersey barrier down there. I wasn’t going anywhere. And yeah, I was an inexperienced teenager, but I understood the theory (if not the practice). I had done my prep work – ADMIRABLY, I told myself – so why the hell wasn’t this working? I suspected that one of my siblings had a role in whatever the hell wasn’t happening, but I couldn’t figure out how they could possibly pull this off. It was at this point that the lovely young lass leaned over and whispered in my ear, using that sweet, understanding voice that women reserve for their men and other forms of the mentally-disabled:
“Rich,” she said “I think it will work better if you take off my pantyhose first”.
Oh.
Talk about killing the moment kids. I went from Studly-Dudly to Limpy-Wimpy in like one-millionth of a second. Sometime later, I figured out why: my brain put out an emergency call for blood flow. “Yo!” it yelled “Little Rich down there! We are getting extremely stupid up here! Send the blood up here before he starts drooling on her!”
My skills did improve after that – but then they pretty much had to, didn’t they?
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I have no words. No words. Your honesty Rich is admirable. LOL!
Hell Steph, if I couldn’t laugh about all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, I’d have to climb a bell-tower with a Winchester and a baseball hat on backwards! My life cracks me up, and hopefully it cracks other people up too. (And if y’all get bored with the stories, PLEASE tell me — no offense would be taken!)
One thing that came to mind as I wrote that one out: there was no need to use foul language, or be overly descriptive. I think it’s just as funny a story, if not more so, telling it that way than going “full blue”.
Mind you, I’m no choir boy. I have an arsenal full of F-bombs and the means to deploy them, but – in terms of entertainment – I think too many comedians today rely on “swears” far too much. When Richard Pryor did it, it was different and cool, and his basic material was so damn good anyway. Now days, it’s become much more of a crutch.
There are exceptions of course. Guys like Jeff Caldwell are hilarious, and they never have to dive into the gutter to get a laugh. We need more of that.
When I think about raunchy comedians, Ron White is just raunchy enough…
And if y’all get bored …
Nevah!!
My skills did improve after that
You don’t mean driving skills, do you? And, hey, what ever happened to the ’69 Nova? I hope it didn’t accidently get totaled by no fault of your own, I’m sure (See, I’m trying to be nice.)
Stephanie:
Re: Ron White, he’s hysterical, and while reading trzupr’s autobiographical essays, I was thinking Bill Engvall-esque-ness.
trzupr:
Sayet is a Facebook friend to me and Stephanie. If I ever figure out how to use Facebook efficiently, I’ll try to drop your name and claim to fame around. I know Stephanie is an expert in the blogosphere. Do you have a Facebook page-thingey?
Tex – I do not yet Facebook, I’m afraid. I really need to start hanging out with cool kids more.
And Thanks!
(And actually, my delivery is patterned after Engvall – without the drawl of course).
(Smart gal you is!)
… without the drawl of course).
… a mid-western brogue, then.
You should hear about my first time…
although, I am still a virgin.
June:
Me, too!! Only I’m a retro-virgin, aka neo-spinster.
Um this is where I depart the game. I don’t even like thinking about my first time…ohhh nooooo…..
I can’t even remember my last time … how am I supposed to remember my first time!! HAHAHAHAHAH
I know when my NEXT time will be…
That is if I had a first time.
How many kids Junie?
That’s only been accomplished once before in history, as I recollect.
And yes Texacali, I did mean DRIVING skills.
In a manner of speaking.
Shhh Trzupr… I am role playing.
I have a story, not a first time story but it fits the theme fairly well.
A friend of mine in the Army related this to me. He was a college engineering school drop-out…funny how many Army Warrant Officer aviators I’ve met (me included) that were one time engineering students (calculus and I didn’t agree)…anyway, when he was a freshman at the University of Texas he had the observation that women wanted what they couldn’t have. For instance a fling with a sexy European stud.
Since he wasn’t having a whole lot of success with the ladies being himself he was going to put the theory to the test and go out one night as John Claude Bastille, French foreign exchange student.
By his own admission he had the worst French accent ever but he met a girl who bought it…he claims because that’s what she wanted to believe. He held the accent all night, drinking, dancing right up to the point where she said, “You wanna’ go back to my place?” and he stammered a shocked, “Really?” in his regular Texas accent. He said she was outta’ there faster than a scalded dog.
This guy and myself are the developers of the “Brewtron Bomb”…in his backyard several years ago using some skunk Texas Pride beer, a propane cannister and a BB Gun we invented the most awesome weapon ever…He’s now a Government contractor in San Antonio, be afraid.
Video about Rich, allegedly. (may not be safe for work)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4&eurl=http://www.kiowapilots.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13332
This is so wrong. I am a mature, highly educated, accomplished, professional woman who finds herself laughing at seventh grade boys’ humor. Laughing aloud, too. It’s wrong. I need counseling.
Outlaw – that is so incredibly awesome a video that I am, for a change, speechless. You freakin’ rock dude.
“…to put the theory to the test and go out one night as John Claude Bastille, French foreign exchange student.”
Breaking Away (1979)
Just to be sure, I watched it again. This is really serious. I need help.
I watched it one more time. You should be proud to know that the traumatic experience depicted in the video resulted in the protagonist’s eventual association with the head of a terrorist sponsoring state, the story of which was posted by Outlaw a few ago. It’s sad.
Didn’t say he was brilliant or origonal…just that he actually did it.
That should have been “original” not “origonal”…I can’t type at 0530.
“origonal” is that sex in Oregon?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That video…omg……hahahahaha! So funny..