Heart Attack

In the wake of Ann and Nancy Wilson’s hissy fit over Sarah “Barracuda” Palin failing to ask the Artists Formerly Known As Popular if the RNC could use what I consider a poster child for the Moratorium Chamber’s existence (and not because my first guitar instructor forced me to learn the tune’s opening riff, either), I offer some more songs that could use some time as campaign themes. Suggestion fee gladly waived …

Before I get going full-steam, though, I have to express immense disappointment in Eddie and, because I’ve yet to see his older brother express an opinion that didn’t march lock-step with the guitar god, Alex Van Halen have their panties in a bunch about Senator McCain using their “Right Now” at campaign stops. First, guys, while the song is technically a Van Halen song and I fully understand that’s your name, Sammy Hagar wrote the lyrics and, guess what? He’s been known to side with the conservative camp more often than not. Probably his libertarian affection for the sweet leaf, but the point remains that it’s not all your song. As such, shaddup, collect your licensing fee check and be glad someone still cares enough to honor one of your songs. Also try to show a little respect to a gal who gave one of her sons a “Van” middle name in honor of your little rock band. Atomic punks indeed …

TEAM McCAIN & PALIN
“There’s Only One Way to Rock” - In honor of the Van Halen boys being the wanks they’ve devolved further and further into being, highlighted last year when they failed to show up at their Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction (OK, Ed, rehab couldn’t have waited another couple days?), I’m giving the Red Rocker the props he deserves.
“Your Love Is Driving Me Crazy” – More from Sammy since “Beautiful Girls,” “Could This Be Magic?” and “Hot for Teacher” would probably tweak the other guys.
“Hole Hearted” – As much as it pains me to acknowledge Van Halen’s Mach III period with ex-Extreme singer Gary Cherone, I’ve got a theme running. Heard this song the other day, too, and damned if it hasn’t gotten to a point where it doesn’t annoy me as much as it did in college. Perfect song for the Ronald Reagan-sized hole in this conservative’s heart that can only be filled by Sarah. Sigh…
“Country Heroes” – No offense to John “Raisin’ McCain” Rich, Lee Greenwood or any of the other country artists who typically support the GOP, but Hank Williams III comes from and should be country royalty. While this song’s a nod to the country music rebels who came before him, I like the stretch I can make with the McCain/Palin “Country First” campaign slogan.
“I’m American,” “Open Season” – Self-described Southern born killers, Stuck Mojo’s a conservative headbanger’s dream. “I’m American” very simply lays down an anthem that praises our nation for the greatness it deserves, warts and all, while “Open Season” is the call to arms against radical Islam that should be screaming across the headsets of every soldier in the Middle East, as well as anyone who wants to honor those who have lost their lives in the battle for modern civilization.
“These Colours Don’t Run” - Speaks for itself. Slight apologies for the otherwise superfluous “u,” but since Iron Maiden hails from our loving sister-island across the pond, I’ll let it slide.
“United Abominations” – C’mon, John. Go total maverick for us! End the USA’s association with the U.N., kick those anti-American SOBs outta New York and form the long-overdue League of Freedom, installing Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine as Prime Minister of Gettin’ Down. You know you wanna.
“Soldiers” – Keeping on the headbanging tip, Drowning Pool’s ode to the men and women in the armed forces could not go without mention. What is it with the metal guys understanding what America’s all about anyway (and just as respectfully as the country crowd)? Not sure if James Hetfield’s hunter instincts are as prevalent as they used to be, pre-Some Kind of Monster therapy, but I’ll throw “Don’t Tread on Me” in the mix as well.
Honorable Sarah Palin-specific Mentions: Talking Heads/”Thank You for Sending Me an Angel,” Lucero/”She’s Just That Kind of Girl” and The Replacements/”Favorite Thing.” What, you thought I’d let a column go by without mentioning the genius of Westerberg? Sorry, not happening.

TEAM OBAMA & BIDEN
Giving full credit to my lovely girlfriend for telling me about this one, a more appropriate campaign song for Senators Obama and Biden could not be found than Seether’s “Fake It.” Some sample lyrics: “And you should know that the lies won’t hide your flaws / No sense in hiding all of yours.” The rest here. [WARNING: Some offensive language.]
“The Sky Is Falling” – Another entry from the Stuck Mojo guys and what better for the Democrats, the kings and queens of global warming, economy and other assorted unfounded scare tactics?
“Big in Japan” – Sorry, Obama, we don’t care how many German rock concerts you try to commandeer as your own popularity rallies. Only opinions that matter are the ones on US soil, extra seven states only as needed.
“I’m Afraid of Americans” – Apologies to Mssrs. Bowie and Reznor (no matter how much the latter has BDS), but I couldn’t recall a song entitled “I Look Down on Americans.”
“Money for Nothing” - Look here, buddy, that’s not the way you do it. Entitlement programs are ever so 20th century.
“Paint It Black” – Yes, I know, I’m the man behind the “(Don’t) Paint It Black” parody, but as long as Obama’s racial DNA is 90+ percent Caucasian (White and Arab), guy needs all the help he can get.
“The Song Is Still Slipping Away” – Don’t get me wrong, I think Shooter Jennings is a worthy heir to his daddy’s legacy (and a helluva live act). However, and please pardon any extra happy-dances in my head, recent polls could also be accompanied by Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls.”
“I Hate Myself for Loving You” - Good ol’ Joan Jett, the original female rocker bad-ass (I’d give Chrissie Hynde the nod if she wasn’t such a BDS-afflicted loon). Aw, heck, Joan probably is, too, but the assessment stands.
“Born in the U.S.A.” (DNC convention version by Melissa Etheridge, a former rocker bad-ass) – Pssst, Demo-geniuses, not that you’ve rarely met a hypocritical situation you haven’t embraced, but you may want to revisit Bruce Springsteen’s rationale when Ronald Reagan attempted to use this song; i.e., the song’s not an anthem and actually lays down a heavy (and whiny) indictment on promises made and broken. Otherwise — and please believe me as I try to give you the benefit of some common sense here — you’re no better than the ad doofuses who only used the “Born to raise the flag…” portion of Creedence’s “Fortuate Son,” a more stinging anti-US slap than the Boss’.
Honorary Van Halen entries – Gee, wonder if Eddie’d be OK with the use of “Happy Trails,” “Fools,” “I’ll Wait (for a straightforward Obama answer or Biden’s filibuster, er, response to end).”
Some other shooting-fish-in-a-barrel variety songs – Sex Pistols/”Liar,” Joan Jett/”Fake Friends,” Def Leppard/”Foolin,” The Drams/”Shortsighted,” “Stray Cats”/Something’s Wrong with My Radio,” Godley & Creme/”Cry” and Johnny Cash/”Cry, Cry, Cry.”

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