Smith: Can I be your token conservative?

New York Post film critic Kyle Smith knows opportunity when he sees it. And he’s cashing in.

Dear Mainstream Media:

I’m a conservative who believes that other conservatives are fat, drug-stuffed, money-grubbing warthogs like Rush Limbaugh, or scary inbred backwoods retards like Sarah Palin.

So can I please be your go-to guy whenever you need a conservative viewpoint?

When you assemble an op-ed page or a panel discussion that has three or four liberal commentators – plus a liberal moderator (if this is TV) or a liberal news section (if this is print) – I volunteer to be the one voice you allow to speak for the loyal opposition.

Smith is even willing to put in the leg work. Think Herlihy Boy on SNL! Would you just let the poor boy write an op-ed! For the love of God!

I am available to write cover stories for Newsweek, hold down the other side of the New York Times op-ed seesaw against Paul Krugman and Co., or fill in whenever David Gergen is unavailable to supply analysis of President Obama’s next magnifiquent speech for CNN.

I promise that the only conservatives I will ever praise will be safely dead (Churchill, Reagan, or, if this is PBS, Edmund Burke).

Sample phrases with which I plan to begin my columns:

“As a conservative, I am deeply troubled by the comments of (name of conservative), who just this week said (conservative things).”

Or try this one: “I’m a conservative, but nationalization is starting to look like the only viable option. I don’t mean just banks. It’s time for FedEx to be taken over by the postal service.”

Smith witnessed the disastrous recent past for Republicans and has seen the light.

David Brooks and David Frum get it. The Republican Party is a fossil in pleated khakis and penny loafers. As Meghan McCain said: It’s unhip. It is to Washington what Donny Osmond is to the Billboard charts. It has won but seven of the last 11 presidential elections and only six of the last eight Congressional elections.

All that remains of the Griping Old Party is a tattered remnant, an embittered rump faction of 46%. I have devised a simple one-step solution to reversing our losing position in the last election: Move to the side that won.

If anyone would know the keys to the future of success, it would be the erudite and politically expedient Meghan McCain. Her dad’s shining successes in derailing any Republican efforts to seat judges is what great legislative work is. The way he said nothing of consequence for hours on end during Presidential debate after debate showed he was a true deep thinker, not interested in quick rhetorical points. When his own campaign staff went cannibalistic shortly after the election, trashing his own VP candidate, even prompting retorts from National Review’s own bloggers about his fitness to be President, I felt it displayed great maturity and willingness to go against the grain. Don’t forget that brilliant move of stopping his campaign midstream to go argue panicky bank bailouts. That shrewd thinking really paid off.

Meghan, with all her legislative success and experience, is quite right. Why make the effort to sell your own ideas when you can latch onto the ideas of the Democratic party? Who needs political opposition? I’m sure, growing up in her seven homes, she is keenly aware of the mainstream thinking of today’s struggling 20-somethings – who we all know vote in never-ending droves. The month spent in the Presidential wilderness and the two years in the Congressional wilderness is all the motivation we need to change.

To Kyle Smith, who I hope is sharing leg tingles on Hardball by next week and sipping expensive beverage with Kathleen Parker. To success!

Update: Michelle Malkin notes Meghan McCain’s taste in comedy, as compared to her war with conservatives. I, for one, can’t wait until she takes Daddy’s place in the Senate.

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