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John the Revelator (a reminder)

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Telling anyone who’s been paying attention to John Mellencamp’s since he still used “Cougar” as his middle stage name the news he’s “as left-wing as you can get” ain’t no new news here. However, his recent interview with Salon does give me as good a time as any to re-publish what I originally posted at the old Modern Conservative site back in 2007.

Long story short: Sorry, Johnny-boy, but you can claim “left-wing” or “liberal” all you want. Classic liberal or libertarian, sure, but your lyrics paint you as conservative as they come. Truth’s a lovin’ mutha for ya …

[AUTHOR'S NOTE - The following contains some coarse and borderline offensive language. Such is the downside when getting inside the head of a man who survives a heart attack and still refuses to quit smoking.]

Hi, I’m John Mellencamp and I have a confession to make: I am a Republican … or at least what they used to call themselves. That’s right, I said I’m a– Hey, jackass in the back chucklin’ “Johnny Cougar,” shut yer damn mouth ’cause I haven’t used that one since Carter made us a laughingstock and Cougar ain’t done been on album since ’89. Ha-frikkin’-ha, yer a riot.

Like I was sayin’, I’m a Republican, conservative, lean right … whatever. Yeah, you heard it correctly, and never mind those two pot shot songs I took at President Bush on my last two albums. You have no idea how hard it is to kick-start sales in an industry overrun with lefties and I had to throw them spineless commies a coupla bones. Not that they (or many other people) bought the CDs, but that’s beside the point. I’ll kick their asses for that crap when I finally get around to tourin’.

Speaking of selling records — yeah, again, chucklehead, shut it ’cause I’ve been makin’ music since before even Tommy Lee lost his virginity an’ I’m gonna call ‘em what I wanna — I can’t believe none of you jokers didn’t get the hint on how much I love capitalism when I sold my songs to Chevy Trucks. Shit, most of ya missed it the first time when I co-opted a protest song against GHW Bush (c’mon, I may really bleed red state, but I’m still not gonna let him off the hook for those idiotic “wouldn’t be prudent” lines) for Silverado, round one. I had to go out and give them boys a song that hadn’t even been on an album yet to get yer damned attention. Yup, in case you haven’t watched a sporting event since last fall, this is “Our Country” and it’s now on a CD, Freedom’s Road, so go on ahead and buy it.

Hope y’all liked how I tried to toss off the “sell-out” accusations on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, too. For those of you payin’ attention to the not-so-in-between-the-lines part of “I think everyone should sell their songs to commercials” while I laughed it off, congratulations. The next round’s on me, plus I promise not to name my next son after a Paul Newman movie, even if Absence of Malice Mellencamp has a nice Charles Bronson ring to it.

As for not bein’ able to connect the dots even more, have you sumbitches listened to anything I’ve written over the years?!?! Would a city-slicker like Hillary, Barack or any of them little bastards know squat about livin’ in a “Small Town,” seen a “Ghost Town Along the Highway” or even have a clue as to what a “Rumbleseat” is? Fercryinoutloud, I live in a huge frikkin’ mansion in a God-fearing flyover state!!!

Speaking of God, one more time, look at my flippin’ lyrics! “When Jesus Left Birmingham,” does it get any more obvious that, unlike the godless and ACLU-worshiping freaks runnin’ loose in the Demo-camp, the Lord has my back and I’ve got His? Fine, check out “Thank You” on the greatest hits double disc for the “meek shall inherit” line. For those of you who haven’t picked up a Bible in awhile, that’s one of the beatitudes. While we’re airing stuff out, though, big man, I do wanna apologize for the “Christ, what’s she doin’ with him…” bit on the “Intermezzo” song. Not sayin’ it’s right, wrong or indifferent, but for what it’s worth, I did try to warn everyone that “Eden Is Burning.” Anyway, sorry ’bout that name in vain thing.

Getting back to the obvious, I also threw you rodeo clowns two huge hints on the Cuttin’ Heads album about where I stand. First off, I’m invoking the name and spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. on “Peaceful World” (he was a gun-carrying Republican, don’tcha know?). That sure as shit means I’m against racial quotas. Jesse, Al Sharpton and the other Dems wanna run that into the ground in the name of equality, fine. Me, though, if you can do the job, I don’t give a damn what color ya are. Same song blasts being politically correct, too. Say what the hell ya wanna say and if someone’s skin ain’t thick enough, that’s their problem. Course I did sing somethin’ about “die ‘N’ word, die” on the title track (or was that Chuck D’s line), so say almost anything. See, there’re three clues and, yes, that album’s still on sale, too.

One last thing: I truly and 100 percent support our boys and gals in the service. They’re scrappers like I am and don’t think Joan Baez got, ahem, accidentally left off the guest list to perform with me at Walter Reed Hospital a coupla weeks back. She got to appear on the new album (Freedom’s Road, now available in stores or a Silverado dealer near you) and that’s all that washed-up hippie’s gettin’. Again, gotta keep up appearances for the lazy, good-for-nothing, peacenik commies with no work ethic. Hmmm, I may wanna quit flirtin’ and do a full crossover to country. Least those folks have jobs and can afford a CD …

Oh, do me a favor and please don’t tell John Kerry about any of this Republican stuff. My model/wife may be the steak over hamburger my boy Newman said about his gal Joanne, but I wouldn’t want to lose that snobby idiot’s daughters as babysitters. Little bit a-funnin’, indeed!

I’m Eric Porvaznik, and John Mellencamp would sooner put the “Cougar” back in his name than approve of this column.

2 comments to John the Revelator (a reminder)

  • El Gordo

    More evidence that acting conservatively is very nice but it means little. Many a liberal is conservative about the things close to his heart, starting with money. The only thing that counts is voting like a conservative and being against liberal policies. If you do that, I don’t care who you are. Even if you blend puppies.

  • Raoul Ortega

    On a similar note, I like the way Bruce “The Shouter” Springsteen’s anti-American/Vietnam War song “Born in the USA” got turned into an anthem. So someone like The Shouter is in the communication biz, but its the fans fault that he’s not very good at communicating.

    So maybe Johnny Mellonhead really does think his song lyrics are so-called leftwing, and is just as lousy at communicating as Brucie.

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