Top Five: Christmas Songs You Can't Stand

Lately it seems like everyone is posting about Christmas songs they don’t like or are just sick of hearing – The Federalist has a pretty good list here, and Stephen Green aka Vodkapundit’s admitted loathing for The Little Drummer Boy proves that he drinks all that alcohol to cover up for the fact that he has no soul. Anyway, I thought I’d make a list of my own. Feel free to judge me as you wish, and add your own list in the comments.

1. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree.
This one has been played regularly every Christmas season for at least my whole life, and to this day I have no idea why. It’s an irritating song, and not pleasing to the ear at all.

2. Happy Christmas (War is Over).
The usual treacly pretentiousness from John Lennon, a dreary anti-war song repackaged as a Christmas tune, so slowly paced and dull it nearly puts me to sleep every time I am forced to listen to it. It should’ve died out back in the ’70s, but for some inexplicable reason it seeped into the culture, and now it seems like every year I hear it on the radio or in a movie trailer or something.

3. Santa Baby.
Another song whose popularity I’ve never understood, despite my undying love for Eartha Kitt. Sorry, but I’ve never appreciated the mixing of sex and Christmas in songs like this. To me, Christmas is about family, childhood nostalgia, cold weather, church, etc. None of those things are sexy. Keep your kinks out of my childhood. Plus, it’s one of those songs that sounds more tiresome and droning the more I hear it.

4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.
See #3. Yes, I know it ends with a twist that’s supposed to reinforce the innocence of the story, but still, a little kid watching his/her mom making out and groping Santa Claus isn’t funny, it’s creepy. Plus it’s kind of a dumb and annoying song, anyway. Also, there’s a horrible gay version of it called “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus” that’s the sole bad spot on the otherwise great Dr. Demento’s Christmas album.

5. Christmas Don’t Be Late.
Admittedly I liked this one as a kid, growing up with Alvin and the Chipmunks and all. And it’s still got a certain amount of charm and innocence, with the Chipmunks singing about their dreams of toy planes and hula hoops, while their father Dave desperately tries to keep them in line. But man, those voices. Those helium voices get really old after a while, and I’ve definitely reached that point. After over 30 years of this one, I’m tapping out. I’m done with it.

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