In which National Review’s Jay Nordinger calls my writing “great,” and “delightful.”
This saga begins on May 30, 2009, when I sent an e-mail to Jay Nordlinger (one of my four favorite online writers, the other three being James Lileks, Mark Steyn, and MEE!*). He had mentioned “Che the dog” from Mike Judge’s new show, The Goode Family. I told him my take on what Judge was saying about liberals:
Dear Mr. Nordlinger
There’s a little more to the dog on “The Goode Family,” and I think it’s quite clever.
The Goodes believe that “meat is murder,” so their dog, Che, is on a strict vegan diet. He craves meat, though, and is constantly devouring squirrels and neighborhood pets behind the Goodes’ backs. There are “Lost: Kitten” signs up and down the block.
So these “Goode” people, who love Che very much, are blithely (or perhaps willfully?) ignorant of his murderous nature!
—Mike Kriskey
To which Mr. Nordlinger replied—and I quote—”Great!”
Did you see that? Did you catch the exclamation point? That punctuation mark speaks volumes, don’t you think?
The next part of our story takes place the next day. In an e-mail entitled “Pushing My Luck,” I renewed my correspondence with Mr. Nordlinger:
Dear Jay— [Note the subtle switch to his Christian name!]
I’m not trying to start a correspondence with you (unless you want me to?) but I think this was fate. If I hadn’t already been laughing at Che’s fans, I would have rolled my eyes and moved on.
I then described my review of a documentary about Che Guevara on Netflix, which you can see here. I closed by promising him to send him a screenshot of the review if it got through the Netflix filters.
It did, and I did:
Jay— [No "dear" this time. Was that a mistake? Too familiar?]
I snuck it through!
—Mike
No reply. Nothing. No “greats!” Not even a LOL. I was crushed.
But wait! What’s this?! In Jay’s—I call him Jay, now— Impromptus column of June 4, 2009, I spotted this:
A little language? A few columns ago, I had a note on ring, rang, rung — but swing and swung (no swang). One reader wrote, “How come it’s not hing, hang, hung?” Another reader brought up the delightful word — unofficial word — snuck.
So there you have it, Threedonians! Jay (I call him Jay) Nordlinger has called my writing “great!” and “delightful.” But my happiness is tinged with regret. For when I receive the inevitable job offer from National Review, it will be very hard to bid you all adieu. (Note the rhyme, there—I just can’t turn it off!)
————————————————
*Mike’s Enormous Ego! It’s in the title, for crying out loud! Come on!
Can you still fit your head through a normal sized doorframe?
I held off on writing this because I knew it would provoke fits of jealousy and rage.
But my honesty and bravery compelled me to tell this tale. I fear not your petty jokes, for I recognize that they are born from bitterness.
I will pray for your peace of mind, because that’s the kind of guy I am.
—Mike!
Awesome.
I love the internet! Where else could Spanky squabble with an armed monkey?
Is your dog named DouChe?
He called you “delightful” dude… unicorns and rainbows are “delightful”.
“Is your dog named DouChe?”
No, because unlike you I am fond of dogs.
And “delightful” is “Jay-speak” (I call him Jay) for “kick-ass.”
You fail to mention that you get free books from Our Greatest Living Novelist After Andrew Klavan (that would be me).
I like egomaniacs, as I have much in common with them. But I find that, one and all, they have their priorities out of order.
“I like egomaniacs, as I have much in common with them. But I find that, one and all, they have their priorities out of order.”
I agree with you, Lars. Most of them don’t talk nearly enough about me.
I wanna be like Mike!
“I wanna be like Mike!”
Excellent, Jimmy!
I think that’s the t-shirt for my fans. It’s a colloquial version of “A man’s reach should exceed his grasp.”
—Mike!
“I think that’s the t-shirt for my fan(s).”
What size does your mom wear, Mike?
I’m not one of Tracy’s “many!”
I have at least two fans, so the plural is appropriate.
Two fans. Do you mean like a box fan and an oscillating fan? Or maybe a window fan? Or an exhaust fan?
In this case Stacie, it would be exhaust fans!
Klink does get off a good one every now and then, doesn’t he?
Oh Jimmy…
Why do I see this ending with Mike boiling Jay’s kid’s pet rabbit?
“but enough about me, let’s talk about you, what do you think of me?”-One of the few good lines from Beaches (which IS a chick flick and I don’t like it).
“my brain is awesome” – my five year old.
That kid is going places!
Yeah, I was this also giddy when Bill Simmons brought me up in one of his mailbags. Revel in this moment, Kriskey, revel.
Bill Simmons? My god.
Before he came out to work for Kimmel and was far less full of himself as he currently is. We used to shoot emails back and forth then, so long ago.
Kriskey being a Red Sox guy, I figure he either loves or hates Simmons, no in-between.
He’s was fun the first three or four times I read him, about 9 years ago. He hasn’t written a different column since.
I don’t read his online stuff—it’s mostly Celtics, right?
Loved his Now I Can Die in Peace!
I believe Mr. Nordlinger’s exclamation point was a serious typo! Mine’s not. I noticed also that you used the avatar for your review comment on “Che” that shows you as the thoughtful, provocative “Midnight Cowboy” that we’ve all come to know and love?
Ego be damned…I think you’ve nailed it, man!
Do you have a job?
To answer you in a roundabout way, JohnFN, here’s a little name that tune!
Tried to find me an executive position,
But no matter how smooth I talked
They wouldn’t listen to the fact that I was a genius
The man say, “We got all that we can use.”
In other words, I am currently available for employment.
I figured.
You got any leads? I need some leads. Please, help me.
Ah, what am I saying? I’m still a winner. As long as I’ve got a cup of coffee and a tomorrow on the calendar, old Mike’s coming back!
I’m expecting a call any minute from my old boss at Jackpot Realty asking me to take over the Scottsdale office. That desert air’s gonna give the old one-two to my bronchitis!
What’s your area Mike? We’ll put the power of Threedonia to work.
I’m afraid you’re looking at my main area: self-promotion!
For example, take a look at these quotes from today’s Impromptus!
Apparently, Jay is now obsessed with me.
Clearly a nod to my Che review. Or this:
Well, I’m off the beaten path, no? Who else could write about me?
Jay’s really starting to freak me out.
I’m sorry if my “you got any leads?” comment came off as too pathetic. Those are all quotes from “Gil” a perpetually unemployed/underemployed character on The Simpsons.
In reality, I’ve been unemployed for quite a while, and dealing with some health issues which have taken a turn for the better recently. I credit Threedonia for a lot of that—it’s given me something to do.
Luckily, I am a world-class cheapskate. I’ve managed to survive so far off severance and my tax refund, and have only now started to tap my savings. Unluckily, I don’t have an “area.”
I’ll find something, though.
There’s always a market for “Craps” dealers in Vegas.
Find something you know absolutely nothing about and apply in the O administration. They’ll pick you up. Damn good salary, too.
“Find something you know absolutely nothing about and apply in the O administration. They’ll pick you up. Damn good salary, too.”
I don’t know, G-MAN. I have an awful lot of past statements that I’d need to “clarify.”
“I don’t know, G-MAN. I have an awful lot of past statements that I’d need to “clarify.’”
That shouldn’t hurt your position Mike. It hasn’t bothered any of those in the admin. The more skeletons in the closet, the more you’re qualified.
I could use a driver.
I have no experience as a caddy.
I hear Rufus does, though.
Careful. I see steam coming out of Dr. Zoon’s ears!
Tracy-
You sure you want Mike with your kids?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103241/
From IMDB’s plot summary:
That’s eerie.
Baby steps Mikey.
“With his witty personality and good sense of humor, [Mike] quickly becomes an annoyance to [Rufus,] but not to [Tracy, Fritz, and Matt Helm] because they think [Mike] is fun while [Rufus] is dull.”
Mike, you are a fungi! So we agree.
Mike-
True. I’m sure everyone in Threedonia is on a watched list.