Cracked: Beyond badass soldiers

From time to time, I revist this article from Cracked about five real-life soldiers, comparing them to on-screen counterparts who can’t really compare at all. My brother re-linked me to it today, so here it is, again, if you have read it before.

First, Simo Haya …

Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland. He served his one mandatory year in the military, and then became a farmer. But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country.

Sounds pedestrian enough. Proceed …

Since the majority of fighting took place in the forest, he figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. And 20-40 degrees below zero.

Over the course of 100 days, Hayha killed 542 people with his rifle. He took out another 150 or so with his SMG, sending his credited kill-count up to 705.

Remind me never to f*** with farmers. Another favorite, and aptly named, “Fighting” Jack Churchill.

He volunteered for commando duty, not actually knowing what it entailed, but knowing that it sounded dangerous, and therefore fun. He is best known for saying that “any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed” and, in following with this, for carrying a sword into battle. In WWII. And not one of those sissy ceremonial things the Marines have. No, Jack carried a fucking claymore. And he used it, too. He is credited with capturing a total of 42 Germans and a mortar squad in the middle of the night, using only his sword.

He was eventually captured.

When the Germans found him, he was playing “Will Ye No Come Back Again?” on his bagpipes. Oh, we didn’t mention that? He carried them right next to his big fucking sword.

After being sent to a concentration camp, he got bored and left. Just walked out. They caught him again, and sent him to a new camp. So he left again. After walking 150 miles with only a rusty can of onions for food, he was picked up by the Americans and sent back to Britain, where he demanded to be sent back into the field, only to find out (with great disappointment) the war had ended while he was on his way there. As he later said to his friends, “If it wasn’t for those damn Yanks, we could have kept the war going another 10 years!”

A reporter friend became enamored with “Band of Brothers.” After watching the series, he took in the book and, as many reporters are wont to do, became a bit cynical. He read the heroics of one Dick Winters, and believed much of his story was all for show. My response: He must not have read much about war. It’s why it’s much easier for people to believe an F-15 took out Flight 93 instead of reality, that a bunch of passengers took on the terrorists.

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