Eva watering the lawn
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I apologize for my extended absence, but the lack of reliable INTERNET access and a constant schedule has prevented that. Maybe I can contribute a little more now that things are a little more organized around here. With that I present a little piece I wrote in 2005, it still rings true today…for me at least. Hope you enjoy it.
This goes out to Eva Longoria and any other actress/model out there who is posing for or wants to pose for what a friend of mine so eloquently called “AAFES Porn”. You know magazines like FHM, MAXIM or STUFF.
For those who may not understand the Army Air Force Exchange Service (AAFES) is prohibited by General Order #1 in Kuwait, Iraq and other middle eastern vacation spots from selling magazine that contain nudity. Boys being boys magazines like Maxim are VERY popular here.
When you do the little interview that they do with the photo spread don’t mess with the fantasy. You know what I mean. We don’t want to hear about your boyfriend, husband or significant other. Honestly I’m glad you’re happy and everything, but I didn’t walk 2 miles through a dust storm across a gravel pit in my flack jacket and helmet to stand in line behind 40 other Joes with the same magazine at the checkout to walk the 2 miles back to my trailer to read about how happy you are to be shacked up with Marice. I’ve got plenty of reality here in my world sister, just allow me the fantasy for once. Is that too much to ask?
Here’s an example of what I mean…In a recent edition of MAXIM magazine Eva Longoria told everyone about her work in the last election for a certain candidate and her displeasure about how stupid some folks were that voted the way that they did. This was sandwiched in between the pictures of her in her underpants so you may have missed it.
Eva, do you really think people picked up that magazine off the rack and said, “Wow look Eva Longoria is in there I wonder what she has to say about politics?” Yeah, maybe if they had been hit the head by a brick just before going to the store. In the immortal words of a senior aviation Warrant Officer, “know your audience.”
We get it, you have a brain. That is great, but no one buys those magazines for their pithy political insight or social commentary and they certainly don’t buy them to read interviews about your boyfriend/husband.
Maybe this rant should be directed at the dork who asked the question, but hell, all you had to say was, “Are you stupid?…I’m not answering that.” I mean you’re smart…you’ve got all these opinions and stuff, you’d think you figure out that if you start running your yap about politics that you’re going to piss off 50% of the population…that is if they can read that stuff while holding the magazine with one hand. But I think you get my point. Please in the future stick to how much you love puppies and how you secretly fantasize about soldiers!
Thanks for ruining the fantasy Eva!
CHEERS!
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Outlaw, she’s like trying to show she’s like smart and stuff, because she’s a serious actress who wouldn’t use her body to like get ahead and stuffs, and she doesn’t want you thinking that she’s not smart and stuff because she is like really, really smart. In fact, people tell her all the time, like OMG, how smart she is. . . and stuff.
Besides, she’s a serious actress, did I already say that? She is, and that’s why she did this interview, because she’s serious and she wants to tell the world all of the big important thingies she has to tell us now, and doesn’t everybody do interviews in their underwear? Like come on, don’t judge.
Seriously, cut the poor girl some slack, she put so much thought into the whole spread.
Andrew, you’ve got that “valley girl” lingo down pretty good!
Eva, it’s an ugly stereotype to say that for girls like you, your bust size is larger than your IQ, but you’re not making it easy to deny.
Well said. I always figured if I ever started a magazine like Maxim or FHM or whatever, I’d call it “BCN” – which is short for “Barely Concealed Nipples”
Know your audience, indeed!
Fritz, I have had the misfortune of watching MTV recently.
And you’re not singing Michael Jackson songs? Wow…
Its so hard to tolerate even a photo of Eva. Asking her to say something intelligent is like trying to ask my dog to stop licking his his his…well…you know. Its not gonna happen. THere is a reason why Tony Parker married her, he isn’t exactly a rocket scientist or a member of Mensa either….
and don’t bring up Sharon Stone, speaking of members of Mensa. URGHHH!
Glad to see you posting, Outlaw!
(The post could have used two more photos, I think. Maybe three.)
Aw, come on. You know you see more of her huge political opinions.
She’s way smart, I mean, who else but a genius would water the lawn in their undies and high heels?
Women who put their bodies on display and then whine when nobody cares about their opinions annoy me. It ain’t fair, get over it.
Women who put their bodies on display and then whine when nobody cares about their opinions annoy me. It ain’t fair, get over it.
Best qualities in a woman:
1. Personality.
2. Intellect.
3. Femininity.
4. Humor.
5. Unpretentiousness.
6. Sensuality (not skankiness).
A woman who’s intelligent, personable, and sensual, who has a degree of demureness and doesn’t take herself too seriously is wwwaaaayyy sexier than a woman who banks only on her looks. Or, to put it another way, guys get bored with skanks. They’re fun to look at and little else. And even then, we get tired of it. Why do you think the “girl next door” fantasy exists? Deep down, a guy’s dream girl is a supermodel with a brain and a heart.
“A woman who’s intelligent, personable, and sensual, who has a degree of demureness and doesn’t take herself too seriously is wwwaaaayyy sexier than a woman who banks only on her looks.”
Which is why Belle is my favourite Disney Princess.
David you are a real romantic.
Tracy,
“who else but a genius would water the lawn in their undies and high heels?”
That’s how they do it at the old folks home.
“That’s how they do it at the old folks home.”
Yes they do Andrew, but how about the women?
One Question:
Who is Eva Longoria?
Scary Fritz, scary.
Kit, it’s a baseball player. I think he plays for Tampa.
Eva is an actress who appears on a TV show called Desperate Housewives. Her shelf life is about to, if it hasn’t already expired.
The only other thing I would like to say about this subject is, if you choose to appear in a state of undress in a magazine for money you have entered to world of the pin-up girl. If you choose to do such a thing you are now trading on your looks and using the fantasy of availability and desire to make a buck. Anything one may do to detract from that fantasy is in effect cutting into one’s business. Simply as a business decision this makes no sense at all.
Intellectually we all know we will for the most part never interact socially with a supermodel/beautiful actress (and in reality we probably wouldn’t want to anyway). But this isn’t about the reality this is about escapism. Eva was a particular example that I used to illustrate a particular type of behavior that is prevalent among some actresses in particular that I and others here in Iraq (where it is 118 right this second) find off putting. Just thought I’d clear that up in case anyone didn’t understand where I was coming from.
In WWII I don’t think anyone knew squat about Betty Grabel other than they liked the way her legs looked. I’m pretty sure she made a decent living too. Use that as your guide.
Amen.
“In WWII I don’t think anyone knew squat about Betty Grabel other than they liked the way her legs looked. I’m pretty sure she made a decent living too. Use that as your guide.”
It’s interesting. The whole ideal of the pin-up girl of that era was a bit of sex mixed with a bit of innocence. And comparing classic pin-ups with modern ones (where EVERYTHING is one display), side by side, the classics are sexier.
A little later on Betty Page ramped it up a notch or two.
After seeing her in a robe and without makeup I lost my interest in her.
When did you see her like that? Did you “hit it and quit it?”
–Mike!
@ Stephanie – I won’t bring up Sharon Stone. It’s been a long time since Sharon Stone has brought up anything on anybody. Which isn’t to say she hasn’t tried…
I love the whole idea of “Feminine Empowerment” in the 90s, about how it was ok to be hypersexual and dress slutty becuase “The Patriarchy” wants to keep that side of you bottled up. Who thought that up, exactly? Whoever it was has to have been the greatest Maddison Avenue Genius of all time, because he totally tricked women in to acting exactly the way men have always wanted them to act, and they totally bought in to it. The icing on the cake is the word “Empowered” itself, a word that no one who has power would ever, ever use to describe themselves. “Empowerment” is a word that powerless people who spend too much money on push-up bras use to identify each other.
@ Outlaw – I think the whole political opinion thing in these ‘interviews’ is tying back in to the silly notion of feminine empowerment. “It’s ok to do slutty things as long as you prove you have a brain by repeating things other people have said to you.”
“It’s been a long time since Sharon Stone has brought up anything on anybody.”
She brought up my lunch the other day.
Best I can tell is that Sharon was good at only one thing and that was crossing her legs.
Stone was good at being completely un-selfconcious while naked, and she was naked a lot. And in the ’80s, that’s really all it took. The year before “Basic Instinct” came out, she did four movies and had nude scenes in all of ‘em. A year after BI, she stopped doing nude scenes, and suddenly her popularity evaporated.
“A year after BI, she stopped doing nude scenes, and suddenly her popularity evaporated.”
That says alot about her talents.
My husband had a run in with her, didn’t know it was her and referred to her as a b-word in her presence. The people he was helping were all smirking and when Ms. Stone left they told him who the blonde woman was. It was the perfect ambush for the old ho.
Far as the old pin ups, Betty Grabel was by far the most populare, and then you had Rita Hayworth and others. There was something classy and glamerous in those photos. But not so much lately.
@ Kit: Don’t it, tho?